Crack Whims
by firefly
Summary: Odd pairings. Whimsical humour. Somewhat disturbing scenarios. It's what you'll find here in this collection of crack drabbles.
1. Sasuke, Neji, and the Buttplug

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Note: this here shall be where my collection of crack drabbles (written for challenges and the like) will go. You'll find an insane range and very, very odd pairs. A bit of something for everybody, I think. :D Here's the first of many to come. Enjoy

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Characters: Sasuke, Neji 

Prompt: Buttplug

* * *

You could have cut the tension with a knife. Had someone suddenly walked in on the two geniuses, he or she would have bolted upon feeling the cold, overwhelming vibes of haughtiness and contempt they were radiating. 

Minutes passed, and finally the poker-faced Hyuuga prodigy decided to play the mature adult.

"You get the left side of the room, Uchiha."

Sasuke's eyes darkened.

"I don't recall when I agreed to you calling the shots."

Neji's translucent eyes remained unblinking in an effort to unnerve the clearly immature and foolish boy.

"If you'd like it the other way around, I won't complain."

"Don't patronize me, Hyuuga."

"Then don't act like a child, Uchiha."

Sasuke sneered and turned away, hoping to give the impression that he didn't think enough of Neji to bother arguing with him. Neji managed to resist rolling his eyes at the younger Genin and proceeded to start cleaning out the office.

Why Gai and Kakashi decided to pair their team members for this simple D-rank mission was beyond him, but he refused to be the lesser by complaining and agreed to clean and organize one of the academy's unused offices.

"Where did Kakashi-sensei say the paperwork was supposed to go?" Neji asked without turning, watching Sasuke kneel and empty some cupboards through the back of his head.

Sasuke was tempted to say "up your ass", but refrained and merely pointed to the recycling bin in the hall.

They continued their work in silence for the next ten minutes, and Sasuke was just about to demolish a string of cobwebs when Neji spoke.

"What…is_ this_?" judging from the tone of his voice, one could say he spoke out of…innocent fascination.

Sasuke stood up as Neji turned around and faced him, holding some transparent, plastic package in his hand. Feeling somewhat curious himself about the strange object inside, Sasuke took a few steps forward till he was standing before the older Genin.

"It looks like…some kind of…" Neji muttered to himself, turning the package this way and that. "…_device_."

"Open it," Sasuke ordered.

Neji merely did as he was told, tearing open the packet and letting the object fall into Sasuke's outstretched hands. For a moment, they just stood looking at the device in morbid fascination, reading the term "butt plug" on the tag and not really realizing the significance of it.

Wordlessly, Neji took the thing from Sasuke's hands and looked at it closely, then slowly grew pale as understanding hit him.

Sasuke calmly took it back as Neji stared at his hands in horror, looking absolutely mortified. "Oh God…I _touched_ it!"

The so-called mature adult persona spontaneously combusted as soon as he rushed out of the room and to the nearest washroom to wash his hands with bleach.

Using his prodigious analytical skills, Sasuke discovered the secret to making the famed Hyuuga Neji spaz and therefore ruin his image. Allowing a small smile to creep up on his face, he inconspicuously pocketed the device and walked towards the washroom.


	2. Deidara, Sasori, and the Puppy

Crack Whims

By: firefly

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Characters: Deidara, Sasori

Prompt: Puppy

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Both Sasori and Deidara were in their shared room, both on opposite sides, both perched cross-legged on their beds.

Between them, snuffling around on the carpet was six-week-old mutt. Deidara watched it intently, his visible eye fastidiously following its tail as it wagged to and fro. Sasori observed its face, innocent and stupid and ugly, whiskers twitching as it sniffed the carpet.

"Where did you get it?" Sasori questioned suddenly, not taking his eyes off the puppy.

"It was wandering outside the headquarters," Deidara replied. "It peed on the welcome mat, un."

"Why did you bring it inside?"

"I thought Zetsu-san might like it."

"He doesn't eat dogs, you fool."

"...what should we do with it, Sasori no danna?"

"You tell me. What does one do with dogs?"

Deidara smiled suddenly, hopping off his bed and producing one of his clay birds from his right hand.

"I know! Hey doggy…fetch, un!"

Deidara tossed the clay bird. It fell a few feet away from the dog, and just as the puppy was heading over to it, Deidara grinned and formed his fingers into a seal. A second later, Sasori stood up and punted the clay bird out the window, shattering the glass.

A beat, and then the entire hideout shook when the clay bird exploded outside.

Deidara pouted.

"Please," Sasori said, giving him a contemptuous look. "I'd rather not have the room coated in dog entrails."

The puppet master lowered his gaze back to the wandering mutt, cocking his head to the side.

"I haven't yet attempted puppetry using dogs as a medium…"

Deidara made a face.

"Nooo," he whined. "It'll be useless, un."

Sasori nodded vaguely.

"But at least that way it wouldn't defecate all over the floor…like it's doing now."

"Bad doggy!" Deidara shouted, leaping to his feet and pointing indignantly at the poop near his bedside table. The puppy looked up at him, appearing proud of its self.

"I know," Sasori suddenly said complacently, as Deidara held his nose and removed the mess, spraying the carpet with disinfectant.

"We shall train it to be our organization's watch dog—turn it into a killing machine."

"Good idea, Sasori no danna."

"…what should we call it?"

"Oh, I know! Let's call it Benedict, un!"

"That's quite a mouthful."

"But it looks like a Benedict. Look at its face. It's hideous."

"…what if it's female?"

"…Benedictina?"

Sasori sighed.


	3. Naruto, Ino, Neji and Armpits

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Naruto, Ino, Neji

Prompt: Hairy Armpits

* * *

Ino sighed, eyeing Naruto wearily.

"Oh for God's sake, be a man!"

Naruto shook his head wildly, cowering in the corner wearing only a pair of sweatpants, trembling arms encircling his torso protectively.

"Look," Ino said impatiently. "If you want to disguise yourself as a woman and get away with wearing _that_," she pointed to the tube top on the bed. "You have to wax your underarms. We can't risk you fumbling up sexy no jutsu, so this'll have to be it."

"I changed my mind!" Naruto blurted, eyes darting wildly between the hot wax in Ino's hand and the exit. "I don't want to do this mission anymore. I quit!"

"And I thought you wanted to be Hokage," Neji drawled, moving in front of the only exit and crossing his arms.

Naruto wailed.

"Why can't Neji dress up as the woman? He already looks like one!"

Neji scowled. "_You_ were the one who suggested we flip for it, and I won the position of man fair and square. Now raise your arms."

"No!" Naruto cried, backing away as Ino advanced on him with the applicator stick.

"It'll only hurt for a second!" she said in exasperation. "Like ripping off a band-aid."

Naruto panicked and made a run for it. Unfortunately for him, Neji was faster.

"Let me go!" Naruto thrashed wildly, kicking his legs as Neji grabbed his arms and pinned them behind his head in a submission hold, exposing his armpits. Ino approached from the side to avoid his flailing legs, brow furrowed in a mixture of annoyance and amusement as she applied the hot wax to his underarms.

"It burns!"

"Oh, shut up. It's hardly lukewarm."

Once the wax was applied, she stuck on a large strip of cloth, rubbing it in forcefully. Naruto struggled harder and Neji tightened his grip, catching Ino's gaze with his own.

They nodded.

In one swift yank, Ino ripped off the strip, removing any and all of Naruto's underarm hair with it.

Far away in Suna, Gaara woke with a start, rubbing his eyes wearily and glancing out the window with a furrowed brow.

He could have sworn he just heard Naruto scream.


	4. Temari, Zaku, and Jealousy

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Zaku, Temari

Prompt: Jealousy

* * *

Temari eyed one of their supposed allies as he stepped up to her brothers, a haughty grin working its way onto her features as he scowled.

"Zaku," Dosu called from behind, voice remarkably calm. "Leave them be. We'll find a heaven scroll someplace else…"

"Yeah, let's go," Kin said, shooting a nervous glance at the impassive face of the redhead. "There are plenty of people left."

"What's the hurry?" Kankuro asked mildly. "If you want to fight us for our scroll, it's no problem. But then again, I think Orochimaru wouldn't like it if his little bitch stepped out of line, eh?"

Growling in rage, Zaku took a step forward, glaring at each of the Suna genins in turn. His gaze wavered on the smirking, pig-tailed girl in the back, his left eye twitching as her eyebrows rose suggestively.

Without a word, he thrust out a hand and vaporized the closest tree in the vicinity. It was a bit disconcerting to see the redhead look totally unmoved, a bit disquieting to see the older brother smirk, and absolutely infuriating to see the girl laugh out loud.

"If you want our scroll so badly, you can fight me for it," she said calmly, stepping up and slamming one end of her fan into the ground.

She chanced a glance over her shoulder at the pale, expressionless redhead behind her, and took his silence as permission.

Grinning, Zaku let his gaze drift appreciatively up and down her spotless form, smile widening when he saw her brow furrow in annoyance.

"You've probably got other means to deal with enemies, don't you?" he said softly, scathingly. She smirked when his eyes darted towards Gaara.

"Enemies?" she echoed airily. "I thought we were allies. Well, your ignorance isn't too surprising, seeing how Orochimaru considers you_disposable_."

The jealousy and rage in his eyes was enough to put her on a high for days to come.

"Bitch," he snarled, raising his arm.

"Zaku!" Dosu said sharply from behind. "Anything more and I'll be forced to kill you myself."

"Not surprising they sent you!" Zaku snapped, his grin malicious. "How many Leafs did you screw to get this far, anyway?"

The comment was meant to be brutally harsh and sexist, but Temari merely cocked her head to the side, looking coldly amused.

"I'm pleased you find me attractive," she said dryly. "You—" she stopped short when a cork fell near her feet, and she turned her head to see sand spill from her brother's gourd, creeping steadily towards Zaku.

Dosu and Kin took off immediately, deciding that one casualty wouldn't matter much.

"…better run," she smiled sweetly, batting one eye before stepping back.


	5. Kankuro and the Duck

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Kankuro, Gaara, Temari

Prompt: Duck

* * *

Kankuro moved with purposeful strides through the marsh, refusing to look back as Temari snickered beside him.

"It's still following you, you know," his sister remarked, sounding amused.

"Still?" Kankuro griped, exasperated as he came to a stop. Gaara paused, standing next to Temari as they watched their brother stomp towards his stalker.

"Stop. Following. Me." He hissed, glaring down at the impudent creature. "I am not your...freakin' mother or whatever it is you think I am, understand?"

It stared at him, then opened its mouth.

"Quack."

"Argh!"

Temari burst into laughter as Kankuro gripped his black hood with his hands, jerking it down and pointing at his mussed, brown hair.

"You see this? I'm a _human_. I have _hair_, not _feathers_. In no shape or form do I resemble a goddamn duck!"

The duck said nothing.

Satisfied, he turned around and took a step forward before pausing. The duck took a step forward to follow.

"It's still following you," Gaara observed, eyeing the duck. "Let's eat it."

Kankuro moaned and buried his face in his hands. Temari continued to watch, grinning all the while, and Gaara was suddenly eyeing the duck as if it were the most appetizing thing in the world.

"Look," Kankuro said lowly, turning around again to face the duck. "I live in the friggin' desert. There's no water. You'll _die_ if you follow me there. And if the desert doesn't kill you, Gaara will."

The duck cocked its head to the side contemplatively, ruffling its feathers.

"Why don't you just keep it?" Temari offered from behind him, earning an incredulous look. "It'll make good company. Better than those stupid puppets, at least."

Kankuro scowled, then lowered his eyes to the duck wearily. Man and bird watched each other for nearly a minute, neither blinking. Then at last, Kankuro sighed and pulled his hood back up, turning his back to the bird.

"Fine, but don't blame me if Gaara eats you."

So the duck followed him home.

A week later, Kankuro named it Walter.


	6. Kisame, Hana, and Infamy

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Kisame, Hana

Prompt: Infamy

* * *

"Why are you doing this?" Hana demanded, stumbling through the thicket before turning to face her kidnapper. "How dare you show your face in this village again?"

Uchiha Itachi gazed at her nonchalantly, his stare made all the more intense by the Sharingan as he took a step forward.

She automatically backed up, finding her back against a tree, bound hands straining against the tight rope as he paused.

"I require your assistance," he finally said, his first words since kidnapping her from her squad. "You are from the Inuzuka clan, correct?"

His eyes trailed the trademark clan markings on her cheeks.

"What's it to you?" she demanded. "I'm not helping you do anything."

"You are a medical nin."

"I'm a veterinarian!" she protested when he grabbed her arm forcefully and began dragging her through the trees again. "I told you that already!"

When they finally emerged through the thicket, Itachi pushed her forward till she stumbled to her knees. The sight that met her eyes automatically made her reel back in shock.

Kisame gave Itachi a reproachful look from where he sat, leaning back against a tree trunk with his legs stretched out before him. Samehada stood propped up against the tree, and he idly twined the loose bandages around his fingers.

"Itachi-san," he said with a hint of resentment, after shooting a look at the stunned woman. "I told you it'll pass."

"We don't have time to dawdle," Itachi said tonelessly. "Let her administer treatment so you're fit to fight."

Kisame tightened his jaw in annoyance but lowered his eyes in resignation, shifting his gaze to Hana.

"You're…Hoshigaki Kisame," she said after a moment's stunned silence.

"So you've heard of me?" he asked, grinning slightly. "Only good things, I hope."

Hana gave him a cynical smile.

"Hardly. My clan has heard of your…condition," she said, staring at his razor-sharp teeth. "How you look more like an animal than a man."

She stiffened, suddenly, eyes widening before she whipped around to face Itachi.

"Is that why you brought me here? You think just because I'm a vet, I can—"

"What?" Kisame interrupted, looking mortified. "A vet? I'm not a dog, Itachi-san."

"She was the only candidate available in such short circumstances, Kisame," Itachi answered impassively. "The fact that she treats animals instead of humans is of no matter. She will fix you or we will dispose of her."

"But this is degrading," Kisame protested, looking humiliated. "Forget it, we're leaving."

"You are weak," Itachi said, narrowing his eyes. "If you slow us down, I will leave you behind."

Kisame grimaced, a bead of sweat running down his temple as he glanced at the indignant woman.

"All right," he finally said with a sigh. "Do whatever."

Hana gave him a look of disbelief before glaring up at Itachi, who nudged her forward with his foot.

"What…" she began, feeling unbearably awkward. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm sick," Kisame said blankly, as if it was obvious. "You call yourself a doctor?"

She glared.

"Just describe your symptoms."

Kisame shrugged, looking vaguely uncomfortable before glancing down at the bandages twined in his fingers.

"I feel weak," he offered after a moment. "My head hurts."

"Are you feeling chills? Any nausea?"

"Chills, yeah."

Hana looked at him skeptically, wondering how to go about giving him an examination. Clearing her throat, she stood up, turning her back to Itachi.

"Cut these bonds."

"If you attempt anything, I will kill you," Itachi said nonchalantly, cutting the rope with a single swipe of a kunai.

Hana glared at him, rubbing her wrists before cautiously making her way over to Kisame, kneeling by his side. She reached for her shoulder bag and Itachi immediately took a step forward, kunai out by his side.

With deliberate slowness, she withdrew a pocket flashlight, giving him a dirty look.

"May I continue?"

Itachi lowered the kunai and she placed her bag down, turning to face the Mist nin.

"Open your mouth," she said, as calmly as she could.

Kisame looked visibly pained before doing so, letting her lean closer so she could peer at his throat. It was somewhat difficult to concentrate on when he had a mouth full of teeth so sharp they could probably chomp through the flashlight.

Clearing her throat, she leaned back and pocketed the light, cursing herself at the same time for not bringing a stethoscope.

"Take off the cloak."

He grudgingly did as he was told, and almost immediately scrambled away when she attempted to straddle his leg.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded, as she settled her weight—none too gently—on his thigh.

"I don't have my equipment," she said through gritted teeth. "Now act mature and pretend that this can't possibly get anymore awkward than it already is."

He pressed his lips into a thin line and turned his head away, stiffening only slightly when she leaned forward and pressed her ear against his chest.

She listened intently, noting that he was extremely warm through the fabric of his shirt. Pulling back, she raised her hand to his forehead.

"You have the flu," she announced. "Nothing major."

"That's it?" he asked doubtfully, looking listlessly at his hands. "I feel like shit."

"That's to be expected," she said bluntly, now feeling his face with the back of her hand. "You're running a high temperature."

Kisame squinted down at her doubtfully.

"So I don't have a flesh-eating disease?"

"Of course not," she snorted, preoccupied with studying the gill-like marks on his cheeks, touching them with her fingertips.

Kisame waited patiently as she prodded at his face, her expression one of vague fascination.

"Can you breathe underwater with these?"

He didn't answer, feeling somewhat comforted by the sensation of her fingertips pressing against his aching sinuses.

"Do you have eyelids?"

In response, he merely blinked.

"Interesting," she breathed, peering closer at his silvery eyes. "Unlike a fish, dynamic equilibrium adjustments make your body capable of thermal homeostasis."

"What?" Kisame said blankly.

"You're warm-blooded."

"Oh. Yes."

She patted his hair, taking a strand between her fingers to feel the texture, rubbing it thoughtfully. Then she tugged up the side of his hitai-ate to peer at his ears, muttering "interesting" under her breath at odd intervals.

Kisame had the vague feeling that this was no longer part of the checkup, and made it a note to keep quiet as she poked and prodded him.

It wasn't everyday he got a pretty woman to sit willingly on his lap.

After a few minutes, she was back to square one, holding his face in both hands and staring thoughtfully at his mouth.

"Open."

He obeyed.

She tapped one of the sharp canines with her fingernail, listening to the sound, mumbling to herself once more.

"Opaque…thick layer of enamel…attached to jaw instead of the gums, not like a shark's…interesting…"

Then she had him close his mouth, and settled for staring at his face, brushing her thumb over the skin of his jaw at odd intervals.

His face had felt unbearably hot all day, but now even more so. He swallowed hard as she touched a particularly sensitive spot on his neck, just beneath the hitai-ate. Samehada's bandages were motionless in his limp hands.

A few minutes later, Itachi cleared his throat.

Hana blinked as if startled out of a reverie, and quickly moved to stand, withdrawing to stand away from both of them.

"Well?" Itachi said.

Hana shrugged.

"Just get him a bottle of painkillers and some water. His body has to do the rest."

"Fine," Itachi said, turning away from her. "Let's go, Kisame."

Kisame sluggishly got to his feet, grabbing onto Samehada to keep his balance. Wordlessly, they both turned to leave until Hana called out.

"Wait!"

Itachi turned around, eyes narrowed, and Kisame glanced over his shoulder.

She was holding a small vial, and in her other hand was a pair of tweezers.

"Hoshigaki-san, may I?"

Uncomprehending, he said nothing when she approached him, bewildered when she pointed at his head.

"Can you come closer?"

Wordlessly, he bent his head lower.

She reached forward with the tweezers, unwittingly giving him a face-full of cleavage while plucking a single blue hair from his head. When she stepped back and he withdrew, the redness that had spread to his cheeks made his face appear a peculiar shade of violet.

"We're done here, Kisame," Itachi said with finality. "Let's go."

Kisame turned to follow, but glanced back over his shoulder to see her placing the single hair in the glass vial with a very pleased look on her face.

Feeling considerably better, he turned and took off after his partner.

They spent the first twenty minutes moving in silence, until the delirium fully settled in and the fever went to Kisame's head. He smiled broadly.

"She liked me, didn't she?"

Itachi glanced at Kisame with something akin to concern, noting the silly-looking grin plastered on the Mist-nin's face.

_ Actually, she looked rather taken with the idea of dissecting you_, Itachi thought inwardly. _But it's probably best if you don't know that._

"Hn," was all he said instead.


	7. Kakuzu, Hidan, and Indecent Exposure

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Hidan, Kakuzu

Prompt: Indecent exposure

* * *

Kakuzu had always struck Hidan as the conservative type—perhaps even the self-conscious, shy type under that insufferable, bastardly exterior.

What fueled this idea was how Kakuzu dressed.

The fastened cloak, the black pants, and especially the mask and headgear—it all suggested that Kakuzu had something to hide.

Hidan was the opposite. By nature, he was the type that kept things out confidently in the open—his opinions, his facial expressions, his _chest_.

And because of that open nature, Hidan found himself squirming with the urge to yank down Kakuzu's mask to see what it was exactly he was trying to hide. Was he hideously disfigured under there? Were his lips sewn together like a scarecrow's with just a slit for him to talk? Was he like some freaky rendition of Frankenstein's monster under all those clothes?

Hidan decided to find out.

Mind, he didn't attempt to rip off Kakuzu's mask, because that was dismemberment waiting to happen. Kakuzu was a testy prick and Hidan knew better than to get on his bad side. He was still recovering from the last time Kakuzu lost his temper and stabbed him in the neck.

With that thought in mind, Hidan decided that he'd try to catch Kakuzu off-guard while he was momentarily mask-less. The only times in the day he was sure Kakuzu removed his mask was in the morning while in the bathroom, at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and at night when he brushed his teeth before bed. Catching him at meal times wasn't an option, since Kakuzu tended to depart somewhere to have his meal in privacy and would know if anyone was following.

In the end, after much contemplation, Hidan decided his best bet would be to try and ambush Kakuzu at night time.

So around ten one night, Hidan crept quietly along the corridor leading to their shared room. The door was closed, he found, which seemed odd.

Right, so, he's probably in the washroom, Hidan thought to himself, putting his hand on the doorknob. I'll just open it nice and slow and he won't see it coming. I bet he's one ugly motherfucker, seriously.

With that thought in mind, Hidan turned the knob and pushed the door open.

The sight that met his eyes made his jaw drop.

Kakuzu stood right in the middle of the room, holding a towel against the lower half of his wet face.

He was stark naked.

"Holy shit!" Hidan said in horror before slapping one hand over his eyes and staggering backwards, tripping over the uprooted rug and landing on his behind in the doorway.

"Can't you knock?" Kakuzu's voice reached his ears, sounding irritated.

"Dude, what the fuck—I can see your—" Hidan cried, sounding mortified as he chanced a peek between his fingers to see if Kakuzu had preserved his modesty.

He hadn't. But he still kept the towel pressed against the lower half of his face.

"Kakuzu, you bastard! Put something on!"

"Are you blushing, Hidan?" Kakuzu asked nonchalantly. "Never seen one besides your own?"

"For God's sake,_put it away_!"

"I just got out of the shower," Kakuzu said, sounding annoyed. "You'll have to wait till I'm dry."

"No, fuck you. Put on a fucking towel right now," Hidan snapped, lowering his hand just enough so he could only see the top half of Kakuzu's body.

The Falls nin's dark hair framed his face in wet spikes, plastering to his forehead. His brow was contorted into that perpetual scowl and his black sclera glared out at him over the white towel.

Unfortunately, Hidan hadn't managed to cover his eyes before the image of a naked Kakuzu seared itself into his retinas.

Kakuzu had stitches in more places than just his arms. _Interesting places._

And he didn't seem at all ashamed, standing there naked in the middle of the room with only a small hand towel covering his face.

"Asshole," Hidan said in a small voice, sounding weak with disgust. "You cover your face but leave everything else out in the open? Fucking pervert."

"You seem flustered, Hidan," Kakuzu said calmly, wrapping the towel around the lower half of his face before walking over to his dresser. "Are you so immature that you can't deal with seeing someone naked? You're the one who goes around shirtless."

"You've got stitches in the wrong fucking places!" Hidan screamed, covering his eyes with his forearm as Kakuzu calmly walked by him and towards the hamper.

Five minutes later, Hidan finally risked lowering his arm and found Kakuzu fastening his mask in place, now fully dressed. Red-faced, Hidan got to his feet and gave Kakuzu a disbelieving look as the Falls nin turned to glance at him.

"Don't act so surprised," Kakuzu said scornfully, smirking behind his mask. "The strings run through my entire body. It's only natural."

Hidan didn't reply as Kakuzu shouldered past him before pausing in the doorway.

"And, just so you know, they're all interwoven," Kakuzu said offhandedly. "So the stitches I used for your neck…? They could be from anywhere."

Hidan paled, then almost immediately turned green.

"Kakuzu, you're—"

"—not fucking with you," Kakuzu said calmly and with a hint of amusement, before glancing back at him over his shoulder.

"_Seriously_."


	8. Hanabi, Hiashi, and Lolicon

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Hanabi, Hiashi

Prompt: Lolicon

* * *

Nobody thought it was surprising that Hyuuga Hiashi favoured his second daughter over his first. She was stronger, more assertive, and more graceful. She was everything the name of Hyuuga personified.

His daughter Hanabi met his every expectation and more.

But there was one particular thing about Hanabi that earned her the coveted title of 'most prized child', something Hiashi kept strictly to himself. It was…a certain quality, a particular brand of beauty that tickled the aged Hyuuga's fancy.

"Father, do I have to?" Hanabi asked wearily, staring at the thing her father was offering her.

"Yes," he said gravely, casting a furtive glance at the door to her bedroom to make sure it was locked. "Now do as I say."

Hanabi heaved a small sigh and took the package from his hands. He stood there looking at her, something akin to joy playing in the pit of his stomach as she opened the package and withdrew its contents.

When she looked up and found him still staring at her (and looking rather excited), she glared and cleared her throat, beckoning for him to turn around.

Blinking, he turned his back to her with as much dignity as he could, casting his gaze to the ceiling.

"And no Byakugan," she added.

_ Damn._

He heard the sound of cloth rustling and felt his excitement mount, and once she tiredly gave him permission to look, he practically whipped around.

Hearts nearly burst into his eyes and the severe line of his mouth wobbled into a near-ecstatic smile.

Hanabi stood there in a pink, frilly dress, wearing a matching bonnet and dainty little white shoes. She looked miserable.

Hiashi restrained from making a high-pitched, happy noise and cleared his throat instead, clenching his fists to prevent himself from launching forward and taking his beloved daughter into his arms.

Hanabi, you see, had the perfect body type (unlike Hinata, who was round and dumpy) for the Lolita-type dresses Hiashi secretly coveted, and she looked so painfully innocent and adorable that he felt his heart swell to near-bursting point. Oh, rushing into that shop and spending the clan's grocery money had been _so _worth it.

"Can I take it off now?" she asked stiffly.

"Just…wait a few more minutes," he said in a hushed voice, before backing up towards her table and grabbing a camera. "I need to take a few pictures."

"Father, _please_."

Hiashi ignored her pleas, finding her pouting expression so disgustingly cute that he almost choked out of sheer adoration. He blinded her with camera flashes for about five minutes, putting her in various cute poses (looking over her shoulder, holding a parasol, holding out her arms), until he finally lost control and threw his arms around his favourite daughter, crushing her to his bosom.

"Father, you're hurting me," she wheezed, pushing against his chest.

Hiashi only held her tighter, burying his face in her lacy shoulder puff.

"Never grow up, Hanabi," he said emotionally. "You're perfect the way you are."

Hanabi could only bury her face in her palm.


	9. Sai, Kisame, and Blue

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Kisame, Sai

Prompt: Blue

* * *

The chains rattled as Kisame experimentally tugged on one of them, the reinforced steel links surrounded in the sickly, green glow of chakra suppressant.

Moving his gaze, he let his eyes wander over the dark, dank surroundings of his cell, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the smell of mold and vomit. His expression morphed into a displeased scowl when another fruitless yank from his torpid limbs barely shook the heavy chains that held him.

It was only a matter of time before Itachi came to bust him out. For the time being, he just had to be patient and endure whatever torture Konoha's chief interrogator had in store for him.

It was at that precise moment the heavy, reinforced steel door swung open, creaking ominously in the dim light. A small, shadowed figure appeared in the doorway.

Kisame said nothing, watching the figure warily as it approached, stopping just before the dim circle of light cast by the overhead bulb.

"Hello," the figure said pleasantly.

Kisame glared.

"My name is Sai," the figure continued, the smile evident in his bizarrely cheerful voice. "You are Hoshigaki Kisame, yes?"

Kisame eyed him suspiciously, doubtful that this scrawny little figure was the formidable torture expert he'd heard so much about. But he couldn't out-rule the possibility. It was possible that he could be feigning this happy disposition just to mind fuck with him.

The bastard.

"Enough with the pleasantries," Kisame sneered. "I know this shtick already. It's nothing new."

"Shtick?" Sai echoed, taking a step closer. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. I'm just here to see if what the others said was true…"

Kisame blinked when he stepped into the light, revealing a young, pale boy clad in the most ridiculous-looking clothes Kisame had ever seen. He had an odd, wan smile. Vapid, even. Kisame raised an eyebrow when he came even closer, standing on tiptoes to peer into his face.

"…you're blue," Sai said.

"Well spotted," Kisame replied sarcastically.

"So they were telling the truth. Interesting."

"Look, if you're not the interrogator, get out of my face already."

"You have…gills."

"Kid, I'm warning you—"

The boy reached forward suddenly, then seemed to reconsider, brow furrowing in thought as if he were recalling something.

"Can I touch them?" he asked suddenly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"What? No—"

"If you're blue," he interrupted suddenly, eyes trailing from his face down to his cloak. "Does that mean…"

His eyes trailed farther down.

Kisame stared at him in disbelief, suddenly feeling violated as the boy stared at his southern region with alarming intensity.

"Can I look at it?" he asked, completely unabashed.

Kisame was speechless with mortification, and just as the boy seemed ready to reach forward and pull down his pants, the steel door swung open again, revealing a tall, shadowed figure in a black bandanna.

"Sai," the man said gruffly, sounding annoyed. "This cell is off-limits to all but myself. Get back to your team."

"All right, Ibiki-san," Sai said good-naturedly, turning to give one last glance at Kisame.

He considered him, taking in his bizarre features, razor-sharp teeth, and blue skin. Sai opened his mouth to speak, but then reconsidered once more, thinking that maybe, just maybe, being truthful about people's features was just as hurtful to men's feelings as it was to women's. After all, men felt what women felt, didn't they?

Sai smiled at his own wisdom and looked at the wary Mist nin, voice sincere as he could make it.

"You're beautiful, Hoshigaki-san."

Kisame stared at him, shocked.

Ibiki raised an eyebrow.

And Sai merely smiled that wan smile once more before serenely striding out of the room, letting the steel door slam closed behind him.


	10. Zetsu, Kakashi, and Grooming

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Zetsu, Kakashi

Prompt: Grooming

* * *

_$17.99_, Kakashi mused with a sigh, brow furrowing as he looked over the bottle of shampoo in his hand. _Worth every penny, though..._

One long trip, a double A-rank mission, and a string of bad hair days later, the copy-nin found himself at a renown beauty supply shop near the River country border, coveting the shampoo he'd sworn by since he was fifteen, and ready to buy in bulk despite the outrageous price.

It wasn't every day he was assigned a mission so far from home, and besides, the paycheck he'd receive for finishing the assignment would cover the expenses and then some.

Mind made up, he dropped five bottles of the shampoo and two of the conditioner into his shopping basket, ready to leave, but lingered near the shelves of pomade, staring in morbid fascination at a box cover model who bore a horribly striking resemblance to Gai.

The bell jingled at the front of the store and he was momentarily distracted long enough to look up. What he saw made the freakiness of the mostly naked Gai impersonator on the pomade box pale in comparison.

A…_man_, dressed in a long, dark overcoat and giant fedora was calmly heading towards him, features obscured beneath the brim of the large hat. The fact that he seemed to have severely confused melanin deposits deviating towards opposite extremes in his skin wasn't all that disturbing either.

No, it was the sight of what looked like a Venus fly trap protruding out of the upturned collar of his trench coat, brushing the wind chimes situated on the ceiling and filling the otherwise silent store with an eerie, gentle chiming. No hitai-ate could be seen on his person, and his dress wasn't what one would associate with shinobi-wear, either.

The man stopped in front of him, luminous yellow eyes regarding him unblinkingly from beneath the brim of his hat. Kakashi stared back, expressionless and wary, wondering whether he'd have to add 'escape from potentially cannibalistic plant man' on his mission report.

Eventually, the strange man lowered his eyes to Kakashi's basket, yellow eyes fixed on the bottles of shampoo.

"You have good taste," a surprisingly soft, calm voice murmured, bizarrely out of place considering the man's appearance.

"…thanks," Kakashi answered, ready to somersault over the shelf and flee. Suspicious or not, his assignment was over and never mentioned anything about a plant man—getting into a scuffle wouldn't look good on the mission report. Not to mention, this guy was just damn creepy.

"Bio-degradable bottle. No testing on animals. Utmost synergy of botanical compounds derived from natural sources," he continued, eyeing the bottles. Then, quite alarmingly, his voice changed into something raspy and grating.

"_My favourite_."

"Ah," Kakashi said blankly, looking despondently over at the counter. "Mine, too."

"You have a sensitive scalp."

"How did you know?"

"_I can smell it_."

Kakashi now felt vaguely disturbed.

"You can…smell it?"

"Very keenly."

"…"

"It is a pleasant smell."

"Oh," he said blankly. "Thank you. I guess."

"I, too, have a sensitive scalp."

"'that so…"

"_Chemicals irritate it like salt on open, festering wounds._"

"Sounds painful."

"Indeed," he said softly, a beam of sunlight illuminating just enough of the shadows beneath the hat to reveal green hair.

Kakashi waited for him to move, growing increasingly uneasy under his unrelenting gaze.

"Did you want something?" Kakashi finally asked.

"Yes. Shampoo."

"Oh, don't let me stop you…" he said, relieved to get out of the way.

"_You have the last bottles_."

Kakashi stopped, glancing into his basket and then back at the shelf, realizing that yes, he had indeed taken the last bottles. It might have been the fatigue from the mission, or the feeling might have been born of his own, inherent anxiety, but there was a sudden uprising of tension in the small store.

"The soil here has a very high pH balance," the man murmured, tone mellow.

A cold bead of sweat trailed down Kakashi's temple. "Does it?"

"Dead things decay very quickly."

"I see…"

"_Bones, too_."

His grip tightened unconsciously on the basket, legs tensing to run just in case, but the man did nothing but continue to stare at him in that unnerving manner, expression nonchalant.

"You know what," Kakashi started, forcing his voice to sound placating and cheerful. "I think I have one too many bottles. I could afford to spare one for your sake."

With deliberate, measured slowness, he reached into his basket and withdrew one of the bottles, slowly holding it out as a peace offering. The man's gaze seemed to intensify for a moment, becoming positively unsettling until he reached out with a stark white hand and accepted the bottle.

"That is very kind of you."

"Oh, it was nothing," Kakashi continued amiably. "Excuse me while I pay for these."

Carefully, alert for even a hint of movement in his direction, Kakashi side-stepped him, hand slipping into his pocket to reach for his wallet, palming a shuriken in the process. A ring of the counter bell brought one of the clerks out of the storage room, and a moment later he stood holding his purchases in a plastic bag. He paused near the door, watching the bizarre man pay for his single bottle of shampoo, well aware of the clerk's terrified expression.

Once he'd received his receipt, the man turned to face him, expression unreadable from beneath the fedora.

"Thank you."

"Not a problem," Kakashi returned, watching him steadily.

"Most people are alarmed by my appearance."

Kakashi laughed lightly, scratching the back of his head sheepishly, deciding it was better not to reply.

The man paused, and then reached into his pocket. What he withdrew made Kakashi drop his bag and back flip onto the counter, kunai out and at the ready. The clerk immediately shrieked and ran into the back room, slamming the door.

The man made no reaction, completely unperturbed and calmly flicking open his switch blade before reaching up towards his plant-like appendages.

Kakashi stared, mouth agape behind his mask when the man cut off one of the various spikes protruding from the edges of the appendages, placing his knife back into his pocket and turning towards him, holding the aforementioned, severed body part out.

"Its chemical make-up is similar to aloe vera," he said serenely, the seeping wound on his fly trap healing over with a translucent skin almost immediately. "Apply it every morning after showering."

He smiled. Startlingly white, perfectly symmetrical eyeteeth glinted in the light.

"_No more itchy scalp."_


	11. Hinata, Tobi, Hidan and Petting

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Hinata, Tobi, Hidan

Prompt: Petting

* * *

"Seriously, swirl-face, she's not a fucking dog."

"But she's so _cute_."

"Hey, you get too close and she takes out an eye, don't come crying to me."

"Aww, she wouldn't do that. Would you, Hinata-chan?"

"Like hell she'll admit that."

"Such pretty hair. I wish I could keep her."

Hinata stared up at the masked man crouched before her in muted horror, her bound hands quaking behind her back as he continued to gently pat her on the head, fingers ruffling her hair.

The other captor stood leaning against a tree, idly thumbing the beads on his rosary and shooting them disgruntled looks. Her shoulder pack and all its contents, including her ID, were scattered over the forest floor.

The last thing she remembered was being ambushed during her trek out into the forest to look for provisions while her team stayed back at the camp. The area was still within Konoha's borders, so she'd assumed she wouldn't need any backup.

Her current situation was currently rubbing that presumption in the dirt. Two S-class missing nin—from the Akatsuki, to make matters worse—were holding her captive. She struggled to hold a discomforted _meep_ behind the mouth gag as the masked man reached out to pet her again.

"What the fuck are we waiting here for?" the silver-haired man finally burst out, straightening and coming towards them. "And why the hell did the Leader send me here with _you_? Are we gonna kill the little bitch or what?"

"Hidan-san," Tobi said admonishingly, hand stilling on Hinata's head. "Don't call her that. And why on earth would we kill her?"

Tobi let out a startled yelp when Hidan smacked him upside the head.

"Then enlighten me, damn it. What are we supposed to do with her?"

"Leader-sama said to wait for instructions," Tobi said with a wince, rubbing his head. "I'm sure he'll tell us soon."

Hinata stared at her two captors warily. The one called Tobi actually didn't seem so bad—a little creepy, but rather sweet in demeanor. Hidan, on the other hand…

"Fuck off for a bit and bring back something to eat," he ordered. "I'll watch the bitch."

He scared the ever-loving hell out of her.

Tobi reluctantly left them alone, and for several minutes Hinata watched Hidan continue to finger the beads on his rosary, and she inwardly recited her own prayers for help when he finally placed the rosary over his head.

"That was seriously a dumb move, wandering around by yourself," he suddenly commented, smirking as he sauntered over, nudging her pack out of the way. "Bet you never thought we'd get past the border."

Hinata recoiled slightly as he knelt a few feet away, disinterestedly combing through her things.

"Might just end up using you for a sacrifice if the Leader gives us the go ahead." He raised his head to look at her, brow furrowing. "You're a virgin, right?"

Mortified, Hinata pressed herself as far back against the tree as she could, averting her gaze and hating herself for blushing uncontrollably when he snickered.

"Cute, seriously."

He continued to rifle through her things, pausing when he encountered a few bottles of her homemade healing salve.

"What's this?"

Hinata glanced at the bottles, shifting a little as he unscrewed the cap on one of them and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose slightly.

She made a muffled sound, then instantly recoiled in fear when he leaned forward, reaching out. But he merely took a hold of the gag and pulled it down, raising the small jar questioningly.

"What's this for?"

Hinata moved her lips soundlessly for a few seconds, momentarily paralyzed by his proximity, then stammered.

"H-Healing salve…f-for cuts and…burns."

"Oh yeah?" he inquired, lowering his gaze to look doubtfully at the jar. "Work any good?"

She licked her lips nervously, eyes darting left and right for a possible escape route before answering.

"I…I think so. I use it."

"Think it'll work on this?"

She lifted her gaze to look at him and had to bite her lip to hold back a shriek as he casually shrugged the cloak off his left shoulder, revealing a gaping, bloody hole right where his heart should have been.

"T-That…that…"

"Hurts like a bitch," he finished bluntly, prodding at the wound a bit. "Deal with a new one every day."

"You…how are you alive?" Hinata squeaked in disbelief.

"Long story," he said shortly, examining the bottle again. "So does this shit work or not?"

She momentarily couldn't bring herself to speak, so she merely nodded, tearing her gaze away from the wound.

"It, um, speeds it up. The h-healing process."

When he didn't reply, she glanced back at him, wincing when she saw him slathering a large amount of the cream over the wound, apparently impervious to the pain.

A few minutes passed in awkward silence as he returned to rifling through her things. Hesitantly, she finally spoke, curious despite herself.

"Did it…work?"

He glanced at her and then down at his wound, prodding it a bit. A surprised look worked its way onto his features.

"Well shit, it actually did."

Even from where she sat, Hinata could see that the wound had already begun to close up. Despite herself, she couldn't help but feel a little proud, a small wavering smile overtaking her face.

"Ah, g-good."

"Good?" he echoed, raising an eyebrow. "You touched in the head, or something? I'm probably gonna end up killing you."

Hinata shifted uncomfortably, trying and failing to fight her dismay.

"You…can't you let me go?"

He snorted derisively. "Not gonna happen."

But…" she paused, biting her lip, looking at the half-empty jar of salve in his hand. "If you let me go, I could…I could make you more of those."

He gave her a look. "You think I'm retarded, or something? I'm not swirl-face."

She shook her head vehemently, gradually working up some courage to try and negotiate, but at that very moment Tobi came bursting through the trees, looking rather pleased.

"Good news, Hinata-chan," he said in a sing-song voice, circling around to her side. "Zetsu-san just told me you're worthless and no good to us and killing you would only bring us unwanted attention, so you can stay alive! I'm going to bring you back with us and keep you as a pet, and—"

"Fuck that," Hidan interrupted flatly, scowling. "I'm using her as a sacrifice."

"Hidan-san!" Tobi cried, aghast, falling to his knees near Hinata's side. He paid no attention to her alarmed yelp as his arms encircled her head, pulling her protectively to his chest. "You can't!"

"Why the hell not?"

"B-Because!" Hinata managed to gasp out, worming her way out of Tobi's grip. "I promise, I'll send you a new jar of salve every day. It w-worked, right…?"

Hidan raised an eyebrow, lowering his gaze to his chest again. The wound had closed up even more since he'd last checked it, and Hinata could tell from his expression that he was impressed.

"Please," she continued, grimacing as Tobi squished her closer. "If…if I don't, then…"

She didn't finish the sentence, settling for shooting him a pleading look as Tobi recommenced petting her head.

Hidan gave Tobi an exasperated look before thoughtfully lowering his gaze to the salve in his hand, then back at Hinata again.

"Two jars."

"Done," Hinata choked out, struggling to get away from Tobi. "Just…please untie me."

Half an hour later, Hinata found herself dumped off at the edge of the forest holding a piece of paper with the address to a River Country post office scrawled on it.

And the next day, she remained true to her word and sent two bottles of healing salve to the address, including a note that read:

_I added some lavender so it would smell better. Thank you for not sacrificing me._

_P.S. Please tell Tobi-san that a hamster would make a much better pet than I would have._


	12. Ino, Hidan and Urban Legends

Crack Whims

By: firefly

* * *

Characters: Ino, Hidan

Prompt: Urban legends

* * *

Ino glared around at her surroundings in unconcealed disgust. Grease was running over the stove from the overworked exhaust fan, unidentifiable stains speckled the carpet, and the beds reeked of mothballs.

She crossed her arms and pouted.

"Why did we have to shack up in this dump? Couldn't we have just stayed at Aunt Hiko's house?"

Inoichi gave her a tired look from where he reclined against his bed. "Ino, your aunt lives in a two-bedroom house with six children."

"Then couldn't we have gone to a better motel? This is the kind of place you'd see in a horror movie."

"Which is perfect," Inoichi said with an amused smile. "Considering how it's Halloween tomorrow. Aren't you going trick-or-treating with your cousins?"

"Please, dad," Ino sniffed, flicking her hair back. "I'm twelve _and_ a genin now. They're forcing me to go."

"Hmm, yes. I'm sure that's why you packed your costume in advance."

Ino twitched, crossing her arms and turning her back to him as he chuckled.

Honestly, what did he expect? Trick-or-treating was the only entertaining thing she could envision herself doing in boring, godforsaken Kusagakure. Her father had dragged her along on his annual visit to his sister and her mother had been lucky enough to be charged with watching the flower shop.

"Hmph," Ino grunted as she lay down against her moldy-looking pillow. She couldn't fool herself into thinking anything exciting would happen tomorrow night, but at least there was the prospect of getting candy. Diet or no diet, she had an incorrigible sweet tooth.

Breathing a loud sigh, Ino tugged the duvet over her head and tried to block out the muffled cursing and thumping coming from the room next door. As it gradually quieted, she closed her eyes and eventually drifted off.

In room 102, Hidan was lying on the floor and scowling cross-eyed at the seal affixed to his forehead. Surrounded by a ring of lit candles and struggling not to choke on the cloying stench of lavender, he shot a sullen look at the priest.

"I'm pretty sure the candles were supposed to be unscented, seriously."

"Silence!" the priest snapped, jarred from his prayer. "One who speaks so flagrantly during the ritual does not deserve eternal life through Jashin-sama."

"Hey, I'll be fucking dead from old age before you're through with this damn experiment. I'll bet you anything I'm immortal now."

The old man lowered his clasped hands and glared down at his young charge. Only eighteen years old, this fair-haired youth certainly had potential and the willingness to serve Jashin. He'd abandoned his village and killed his neighbours and was now a certified missing nin, but the priest had the suspicion he wouldn't make it through the experiment—just like the first seventy-nine hadn't.

"Shall I skip the prayers enabling your success and safety?" the priest asked coldly.

"Yes, damn it. My ass is going numb, here."

"Very well."

The old man made a rapid succession of hand seals and smacked his palm down on his disciple's forehead. Hidan jerked reflexively in surprise, about to protest when a red light engulfed him and blew out every window and door in the room.

When the priest came to, he found himself on a couch across the room, practically upside-down. Quickly overcoming his shock, he righted himself and rushed over to the motionless body on the floor. The candles flickered and died as he rested two fingers on the young man's throat.

He waited. Then, gradually, he withdrew them, looking disappointed.

The two Jashinists waiting in the hall eagerly looked up when he emerged from the room.

"Well?" one of them asked, wilting at the priest's grave expression. "Did it work?"

The old man sighed.

"Get your shovels."

* * *

_The next night._

Ino plucked dishearteningly at her harp, blowing wayward tinsel away from her drooping halo. She was seated on a dilapidated wooden fence, idly swinging her bag of candy as her bumpkin cousins ran squealing out of the dark field.

"We did it," they gasped on arrival, grinning broadly. "We egged the school!"

"Congratulations," Ino said dully, examining her nails. "Can we go home now?"

"Come on, Ino, it's almost midnight! It's your turn now."

She rolled her eyes. "Please. I'm a genin now. Your…dares or whatever you do are so immature."

"If you don't do it, you're just proving you're chicken."

Ame, a cousin one year older than her, grinned and pointed over the moonlit field.

"There's a cemetery over there. There's a legend that a long time ago, a girl was dared to go there at midnight on Halloween to show how brave she was. She was supposed to prove she'd been there by stabbing a knife into one of the graves…" Ame lowered her voice into a whisper. "But she never came back. In the morning, they found her dead."

"Scary," Ino said flatly. "I'm guessing you want me to do the same thing. Fine. Whatever. Let's get this over with."

"Not yet," Ame said in a sing-song voice, glancing at her watch. "Just a little more until midnight…but let's head on that way, anyway."

Ino sighed and jumped off the fence, straightening her halo before following them into the dark.

Eighty meters north of them, Hidan woke with a sudden jerk, gasping. He raised his arms instinctively, only to have them connect against a solid surface with a dull thump. Blinking rapidly, he realized he was blind.

Flattening his hand over the hard surface inches above his head, he slowly ran his fingers over it. No, not blind. He was in a pitch black…box, of some sort. The hard surface beneath his fingers was rough and grainy, and when he took another deep breath, it suddenly occurred to him that he could touch the end of his enclosure with his feet.

Hidan stopped moving for a few seconds, slowly taking in his surroundings.

The air was warm and saturated with a powerful, earthy odour. He was surrounded on all sides by what felt like wood. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

For a long moment, he stared blankly up at the surface of the coffin, uncomprehending. Then, quite suddenly, he realized he'd been buried alive.

"Aw, fuck."

Six feet above ground, Ino glanced uneasily around at her surroundings, holding a kunai uncertainly in her hands. Her cousins ran off giggling to wait for her at home, leaving her alone.

She shivered; the cemetery was eerily quiet. The wind was still and the bright moonlight gave the dead vegetation and headstones a glassy, grey appearance. The single tree towering above her cast static shadows over the graves and made her own hand appear mottled and moldy.

"Come on, Ino," she said reprovingly, shaking her head. "Nothing to be scared of. Just…stick the knife in the grave and get out, simple as that."

Easier said than done, muttered a small voice inside her head. Do you really want to go around disrespecting someone's grave like that? What if you get cursed?

Anxious, she ignored the voice and glanced around for a prospective grave. The one at the end of the line caught her eye for some reason, and when she cautiously strode up to it, she realized it was because it was the freshest grave there. It looked as though it had been dug that very morning.

Mind made up, Ino hesitantly knelt and grimaced as her shoes sank into the soft earth. The lack of a headstone made it somewhat easier to pretend she was just doing this to a pile of dirt. Steeling herself, Ino reared her arm back and stabbed the blade into the soil.

The knife sank into the dirt easily. Relieved her task was over, she let go of the hilt and glanced sheepishly down at the grave, about to apologize to its owner when the soil shifted slightly. She froze, eyes widening as the earth shifted again, the movement hardly perceptible.

She was just about to consider screaming when a big, pinkish worm poked its head through the soil. She stared at it, the potential scream bubbling away into a slightly hysterical laugh of relief. Then she reached down to brush away the dirt to let the poor little guy through.

As soon as her fingers came in contact with it, however, Ino quickly realized that it wasn't a worm at all, but in fact someone's pinky finger. Before she could scream, an entire hand burst out of the earth and clamped down on her wrist, pulling with enough force to flatten her against the grave.

Shrieking uninhibitedly now, Ino flailed around on the ground, all shinobi training forgotten in the face of an angry zombie. The hand was dirty and bloody and had an obscenely tight hold, and eventually she abandoned the effort to scream and flail in favour of yanking herself out of its grip.

Another hand burst through the soil and managed to grab a nearby root, and soon an entire bare arm and shoulder was emerging out of the grave. The hand released her at last and Ino fell back on her behind, too horrified to move as the thing dragged itself out of the ground, coughing and swearing.

Her terror tapered into genuine shock when the clumps of dirt fell away and the thing revealed itself to be a young man, maybe a teenager, swearing himself hoarse and spitting out clumps of soil as he crawled out of his grave. He was only wearing a pair of pants and a peculiar piece of jewelry around his neck, something she couldn't bother to pay particular attention to as he finally emerged onto the clean grass and noticed her presence.

Silence.

Ino gripped the kunai, hand shaking. He suddenly pointed at her, sounding incredulous.

"Are you my guardian angel or some shit?"

"No," Ino answered weakly, about to faint. "It's…just a costume."

"So I'm not dead?" he continued in that incredulous tone.

This time, she didn't reply, the answer automatically dawning on him as he glanced around at his surroundings and suddenly got to his feet, staring into the hole he'd just crawled out of. Then, quite disconcertingly, he began to laugh.

Ino stared at him as he simultaneously tried to catch his breath, curse, and laugh all at once; the resulting sound was rather alarming and she took that as a cue to stand and warily step back.

"I did it! I fucking did it! That old fart must've thought I was dead or something, and maybe I was—who the fuck knows—but Jashin-sama made me immortal! I'm fucking _immortal_! Holy shit!"

Ino took another step back, seriously freaked out by the wild exclamations when he suddenly turned towards her.

"Hey, who the hell are you, anyway? How'd you know where I was?"

"I-I…" Ino swallowed hard, mind racing to come up with a plausible explanation, anything to get her away from this pseudo-zombie without pissing him off. "I was…told to."

"Seriously?" he breathed, amazed. "Did Jashin-sama send you?"

Ino quickly realized she was dealing with a lunatic and decided appeasement was her best chance at getting away alive.

"Um…yes."

"No fucking way!" he cried out, looking ecstatic and tangling his fingers into his soiled hair. "So this is it, right? You're here to prove I'm immortal, aren't you? Weird, considering you're just a kid, but shit, who cares, I can't believe this is actually happening. I can't believe it's—"

Ino blinked when he stopped short, only to realize his gaze had settled on the kunai clenched in her right fist.

"It's not…what you think…" she stammered out, voice shrill, her alarm deepening when a slow grin spread over his face. "I was just…it's just that…"

"I knew it," he said, smirking. "You _are _here to prove that I'm immortal."

"What?" Ino squeaked.

"Go on then, spirit guide or possessed midget or whoever the fuck you are." He spread his arms expectantly. "I've waited for this my whole life, seriously."

"What?" Ino repeated, more terrified than ever. "What are you talking about?"

He merely beckoned to her with his fingers and Ino gradually realized that he wanted the kunai. Handing your weapon over to a zombie probably wasn't the best idea in hindsight, but at that moment she merely did what he asked and extended her arm.

Before she could react, he grinned and grabbed her wrist, forcing her fingers to encircle the kunai and stab him in the chest.

Ino screeched, yanking her arm back and pulling the kunai out with it, getting sprayed with an obscene amount of blood in the process. Her legs finally gave out and she fell to her knees, gaping in horror as he stood there, staring at his gushing stab wound with the most ecstatic smile she had ever seen.

A minute later, the blood flow gradually ceased and he burst into hysterical, hyena-like cackles of joy.

"Yes! It worked! It finally worked! I'm the fucking first! Thank you, Jashin-sama!"

He whipped around towards her, and before Ino could muster the strength to scream again, he knelt down to her level and grabbed her hand once more, this time pressing two of her fingers against his throat.

"Feel that?" he said breathlessly, eyes alight with euphoric glee. "Nothing! Fucking absolutely _nothing_! And I'm still alive! That son of a bitch priest told me I wasn't worthy, but he can go suck a dick because I'm alive! No pulse and I'm still _alive_! Holy _shit_ this is blowing my mind." He let go of her hand and stared wide-eyed at his hands. "I can do whatever the hell I want and no one's ever gonna get in my way again. Can you believe this shit? Is it insane or what? Tell me I'm not dreaming. Just—fucking—pinch me or something!"

Ino somehow managed to speak, voice faint with terror. "I just stabbed you."

"You're right!" he said ecstatically, fisting one hand into his hair in realization. "And it fucking hurt like shit! Then that proves it; this is real. This is seriously, seriously happening. Oh man, I gotta go—I gotta get started. Shower. Need a shower. I gotta go."

Ino merely stared at him, wide-eyed and frozen as he finally ceased his ramblings and looked at her as if realizing her presence for the first time.

"Hey," he said suddenly, grinning broadly and tousling her hair with his blood-smeared hand. "Thanks a lot for getting me out of there, huh? I seriously owe you one. I'll put in a good word for you with Jashin-sama…"

He looked at her expectantly.

"Ino," she said feebly, remaining seated as he rose to his feet and cracked his neck, tossing her a grin over his shoulder.

"Right. Ino. See you later!"

And then he was gone, running off through the headstones and disappearing over the gate.

Ino didn't move for a long time, attempting to process what had just happened; when she failed to do that, she slowly got to her feet and wandered home, where her father fainted upon taking in the sight of his blood-soaked daughter and her cousins ran away screaming bloody murder.

A week after, Inoichi eventually obliged her request to erase her memory of that weekend forever—unfortunate, really, because it would have explained her severe déjà vu and desire to run away screaming when she encountered a certain, masochistic zealot three years later.


	13. Sasuke, Hinata and Hobbies

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Hinata, Sasuke

Prompt: Hobbies

* * *

A cool spray of water erupted from the overhead nozzle with a dull hiss, showering the bunches of tied coriander on the grocery shelf.

Hinata waited for the spray to subside before taking her pick, tentatively lifting out a bushel and giving it a firm shake to dispel the water. Fumbling with the plastic bag, she set down her shopping basket, concentrating on getting the bushel inside.

The flurry of browsing shoppers, punctuated with the occasional burst of conversation, floated over to where she stood. A blend of sweating customers, cleaning solution, mixed greens and fresh fruit gave the air a distinct smell—not bad, not good, but familiar and comforting in some strange way.

That may have sounded bizarre to some, but to Hinata, the grocery store was one of her favourite places to be in the entire world. She could browse around mindlessly for as long as she wanted, could carry pleasant conversations with the friendly old ladies without blushing or stuttering, and best of all, could put her secret hobby to good, financially beneficent use.

For you see, Hinata's hobby, harmless as it was, was rather strange for someone her age and rather wasteful in the eyes of a certain cousin.

Hyuuga Hinata…was an obsessive coupon-clipper.

She couldn't help it; five cents or five dollars off broccoli or an extra gram or two of rice—if there was a coupon for it, she had to have it, even if it was for a product she could never realistically see herself using.

Pathetic as it might have sounded, she got a wonderful thrill out of picking up an item and sorting through her envelope of coupons to see if she had one for it; if, perchance, she did, her stomach would flip and her cheeks would redden in suppressed joy. The old ladies she knew told her they knew the feeling. Neji told her she had an addiction and needed help.

Which was nonsense, of course, Hinata assured herself as she picked through a bunch of turnips. Besides, there had to be someone else her age that did it too, right?

"Those ones are moldy."

Hinata nearly jumped a foot in the air at the sound of the voice, clutching her heart and whipping around. The blood drained out of her face, then almost immediately shot back into it when she saw who it was.

"S-Sasuke-san," she stammered.

The Uchiha boy stood behind her, holding his own basket and regarding her nonchalantly. From the looks of his bounty, he'd already done most of his shopping.

"Um…" Hinata practically folded into herself under his stare, poking her fingers together. "Thank you. For…um, telling me."

He nodded once before turning away. Hinata quickly turned her attention back to her shopping but couldn't help stealing a few glances towards Naruto's brooding teammate. He was shopping alone, of course, and seemed to be in no hurry to grab what he needed. Instead, he leisurely made his way through the rows of produce, poking and prodding with a patient, expert touch.

Soon, he stopped and stared at the row of tomatoes.

Hinata's eyes widened when he reached for them.

_A coupon—I'm sure I have a coupon. It's the least I can do after he told me those turnips were moldy…_

Before she could reconsider, Hinata hesitantly walked up to him, withdrawing the twenty-five cent coupon and flipping it nervously between her fingers. He was placing a few of the tomatoes into his basket when she spoke.

"…Sasuke-san?"

He turned around and she immediately thrust the coupon into his face, lowering her head as her cheeks turned a bright shade of maroon. Now this was unprecedented; never had her coupons come in handy for the purpose of expressing gratitude. She felt tingly all over.

When Sasuke didn't move to take it from her, she raised her gaze and found him looking visibly startled.

"Um," she began nervously, fidgeting. "If y-you don't want it…"

He blinked when she spoke, then reached forward to take it from her hand. Before she could react, he lowered his gaze to her basket and reached into his pocket, fishing out a slip of paper.

Her heart gave a massive thump when she saw what it was.

"Fifteen cents," Sasuke said slowly, catching her gaze meaningfully. "Off coriander."

Hinata nearly dropped her basket. They stared at each other for a long moment, unmoving. Then, slowly, Hinata reached forward to take the coupon, swallowing a lump in her throat. As their fingers brushed, she felt the inexplicable and unmistakable sensation of her soul finally finding harmony with the universe.

"Sasuke-san," she murmured, almost breathlessly. "Do you…?"

"Yes," he answered, transfixed. "And you—?"

Hinata nodded fervently.

Sasuke took a step forward. "Do you want to—"

"Yes," she squeaked euphorically, eyes shining.

There was no more to be said. The two quickly went to the cashier, paid for their items, and ran out of the store together.

* * *

"I'm telling you, Ino-pig, she's been going over there every Sunday for the past month!"

"I won't believe it till I see it, forehead-girl."

"Oh, you're about to see it all right, trust me…"

Sakura and Ino inched deeper into the bushes outside Sasuke's kitchen, getting a clear view of the dining table.

Ino gasped. "Is that…?"

"Yes," Sakura said grimly. "And I still have no idea what they're doing."

Inside the kitchen, Hinata excitedly clasped her hands as Sasuke set a cup of tea down for each of them and spread a stack of flyers and ads all over the table.

"Are these for the upcoming garden plants sale?" Hinata asked with a small gasp, putting her hand on a green flyer. "I thought these coupons were in limited supply!"

"They are," Sasuke said complacently. "We have the last ones."

Hinata shot him a beaming, admiring smile, wondering why she ever found him intimidating as he gave a faint smile in return. Without further delay, Sasuke pulled out his scissors and handed her a pair, unaware of the indignant and scandalized shrieks from outside as they bent their heads close together and started snipping.


	14. Itachi, Shizune and Ink Blots

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Itachi, Shizune

Prompt: Ink blots

* * *

The room was absolutely silent save for the faint ticking of the clock. Two pairs of eyes watched each other contemplatively from across the room as the silence was broken by a shuffle of papers. One of the sheets was raised questioningly for the other to see.

A few seconds passed.

"Sasuke."

There was a pause and a moment taken to record some notes. A second later, another piece of paper was held up for display.

"Sasuke."

The cycle was repeated to the same answer, over and over, until the last card was reached. Shizune wearily lifted it up for him to see, pen poised to record the same response she'd been observing for the past twenty minutes.

Uchiha Itachi stared at the disproportionate, shapeless blob on the white sheet in Shizune's hands and tilted his head to the side.

"Sasuke," he announced calmly. Then added, "he is smiling."

Shizune forced out a smile and thanked him for his cooperation, packing away the Rorschach test and her notes into her satchel. It had been forty-eight hours since a genin group and their jounin instructor had spotted Uchiha Itachi wandering aimlessly near the Konoha border, devoid of his Akatsuki cloak and mumbling something about "shuriken practice" and "Sasuke's graduation" to himself.

Though he hadn't put up any resistance to capture, Tsunade had still ordered the use of a tranquilizer to sedate him before he was brought into the village and into the hospital for assessment.

His Sharingan had been disabled through the careful administration of chakra-paralyzing drugs to his optic nerves, though the procedure seemed unnecessary in hindsight; he'd been surprisingly docile and compliant with his situation, offering no protests when his clothes had been replaced with a light blue hospital gown and cotton pajama pants. His room—a sterile, white padded cell with a Plexiglas wall she conducted her assessments through—was met with zero complaints, and he looked rather comfortable there, seated on his cot with his hands folded in his lap.

One thing had finally become clear to Shizune after forty-eight hours of intensive psychological testing: Uchiha Itachi had completely lost his mind.

"Why did you come back?" was one of the first questions she'd asked him.

His answer was spoken as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Because I promised to help Sasuke with shuriken practice."

"Do you know what the date is?"

"It is March 15th."

"Do you know where you are?"

"In a hospital."

"Do you acknowledge you have come here directly from the Akatsuki?"

"Yes."

"What are your intentions now that you've returned?"

He'd looked mildly contrite. "I owe Sasuke a training session."

"Are you aware that Sasuke is no longer in the village?"

"Yes. But he will be returning soon. I must wait for him here."

"How are you certain that he will return?"

Itachi had looked at her as if he'd grown tired of stating the obvious.

"I must fulfill my promise to help him train."

Shizune sighed to herself and glanced at the cell's occupant with unconcealed bewilderment. It was mind-boggling to see the once supremely revered prodigy of the Uchiha clan behaving in such a bizarre way. He almost seemed normal, had it not been for his glaringly obvious delusion of meeting with Sasuke for training any day now.

The fact that Sasuke had defected from Konoha, became a missing-nin and given himself to Orochimaru in the effort to slaughter his brother seemed not to perturb Itachi in the least. He acknowledged his younger brother's situation as if he was discussing Sasuke's grades at a parent-teacher meeting.

It was extremely unsettling.

Clearing her throat, Shizune stood up and tried to smile at her patient as he regarded her aloofly.

"The council is currently in the midst of investigating your…claims concerning the Uchiha massacre. There is an inquiry against Danzo-sama and, at your behest, the sealed files in sector B are being investigated to see if there is any truth to what you say."

Itachi nodded.

Shizune stared at him, wondering if this was all an incredibly elaborate, incredibly convincing ruse of insanity or if there was the actual, 0.002 per cent chance that his claims were true.

But how could they be? How could Danzo, an esteemed member of the council be guilty of ordering the slaughter of the entire Uchiha clan? Why would Itachi admit this now after years of pretending he'd killed them all of his own volition?

Shizune reached up to knead her temples and her patient blinked up at her.

"Headache, Shizune-san?"

She could only stare at him blankly while trying to suppress the urge to ask if he was simply just screwing with her.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said instead, and turned around and left.

When she returned the next morning to continue with her assessment, Shizune nearly shrieked at the sight that met her eyes through the other side of the Plexiglas.

"Sasuke will be joining our session today," Itachi informed her calmly as she stared in horrified awe at the thing he'd propped up beside him.

Some time in the night, he'd constructed an effigy of Sasuke out of his pillow, bed linens, and bits of his meals. Sasuke's torso was composed of a pillow and his head was an orange, on which Itachi had drawn a smiley face and stuck two eyes made from raisins. He had shredded his bed sheet into strips and stuck them on top of the orange in a shape that vaguely resembled Sasuke's hair.

'Sasuke' had no arms or legs and depended on the support of the chair to sit up.

Profoundly disturbed, Shizune slowly made her way over to her chair and sat down, scribbling notes furiously in her book as Itachi carefully arranged Sasuke to face her properly.

When Shizune felt she had gathered her bearings, she took a deep breath and struggled to keep a straight face as she spoke.

"What brings Sasuke here today?"

Itachi looked at the thing that was supposed to be his brother, seemingly listening for a response before he turned his head to look at her again.

"He is concerned."

Shizune stared at him blankly in disbelief. "About what?"

"About many things," Itachi replied ambiguously, glancing at his 'brother' in a grave manner. "We were discussing them last night. First and foremost, he is very concerned about the vending machines that have been put up around the village."

Shizune was suddenly seized with the belief that she had entered the twilight zone.

"Oh?" she asked, twitching. "Why is that?"

"He informs me that they dispense candy and…" he paused, as if finding his next words distasteful. "…fizzy drinks."

"He objects to fizzy drinks?"

"Of course," Itachi said, brow furrowing slightly. "Our mother always fed us wholesome food, which is conducive to success as a shinobi. What will the future generations of shinobi look like if they have access to such degenerative filth?"

"Do you share his concern?"

"To an extent. I am more pressed by the issue of sexual education in the academy."

Shizune almost choked.

"I find," Itachi continued, as if he hadn't noticed her coughing, "sexual education is taught far too early to advanced academy students. I myself had to learn at seven years old the inner workings of—"

Itachi stopped, suddenly, turning his head to look at the dummy next to him.

"Ah," he said after a moment, smiling faintly as he glanced at her. "Sasuke is embarrassed. He insists we move on."

Shizune gaped at him, pen dangling loosely from her fingers. Itachi cocked his head to the side and gave her a mildly concerned look.

"Is something wrong?"

"Itachi-san," she said after a long moment of silence, lowering her book and regarding him with incredulity. "You do realize that you are talking to an orange?"

Itachi stared at her expressionlessly. Then, very slowly, he spoke as though he was worried about her self-esteem.

"You do not resemble an orange in my eyes, Shizune-san."

Shizune buried her face in her palm as Itachi looked on in bemusement and Sasuke's head fell off.

The next day, the assessment period was over and Shizune was spared the grief of having to extract sensible information from the obviously insane Uchiha. He spent the next three days catching up on his reading and tending to 'Sasuke', going so far as to try to feed it from his food tray. Shizune had hoped he'd drop the delusion when the orange rotted and fell apart, but he only replaced it with a grapefruit.

Eventually, the day came when the exhaustive search for Itachi's mission files was over.

Tsunade nearly had a heart attack and the village almost revolted when Danzo came up responsible for the slaughter of the Uchiha clan. He'd been buried by a massive wave of furious civilians before the shinobi could even get to him, and eventually, news of Itachi's innocence crossed borders and reached across the ninja world.

Itachi weathered the storm patiently, paying no attention to the drastically improved perception people had of him now, particularly Shizune, who'd warmed up to him substantially, or the chaotic rift he'd created in Konoha's politics. He remained in the cell, still certifiably mental as he carried on conversations with his grapefruit of a brother but remaining paradoxically lucid in regards to everything else.

Despite her obligation to maintain a professional relationship with her patient, Shizune eventually befriended the eccentric young man, indulging his delusions because, honestly, he simply seemed happier believing in them.

And when the day came that grapefruit Sasuke was no longer needed, Shizune arranged for Itachi to be taken out for a walk with ANBU members while she disposed of the effigy and waited for his return.

When Itachi returned to his room, he opened his door to find grapefruit Sasuke replaced by the real thing, older and more pale-faced than he remembered, sitting stunned on the chair as they caught sight of each other.

Shizune observed anxiously with the escorting ANBU as Sasuke slowly rose to his feet. The younger Uchiha took a few trembling steps forward as Itachi simply looked at him, expression unreadable.

At last, the elder Uchiha smiled faintly, and as if he hadn't noticed any difference at all between the grapefruit he'd christened his brother and the flesh and blood person standing before him now, he said,

"I was wondering when you'd be ready for shuriken practice, otouto."


	15. Konan, Sasuke and Crushes

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Konan, Sasuke, Itachi, and Hidan

Prompt: This one was actually taken from an anonymous crack fic meme at livejournal. The prompt is exactly as follows:

_Sasuke develops a crush on Konan, who thinks he's about as useful as a cockroach. Bonus if Konan and Itachi/ some other Akatsuki (Hidan or Deidara, ideally) are friends of a sort and have a laugh about it; anon will love fulfilling!anon forever if Sasuke acts all lovelorn and moony and writes an emo poem to entertain her. XD_

* * *

Itachi gazed expressionlessly down at his bedridden brother. "Be still. Someone will arrive shortly to tend to you."

"I'm going to kill you," Sasuke croaked, arms and legs straining futilely against his bonds. "Itachi, I swear—"

"That's fine," Itachi said distantly, inclining his head as if listening for footsteps. "But for now, remain still. Your wounds are shallow, but you've lost too much blood." He paused and after a moment, lowered his eyes reflectively. "I expected you to dodge those shuriken."

Too disoriented by blood loss to care about how childish he sounded, Sasuke glared up at him. "I had the _flu_. If I was in top form—"

"You will have your chance," Itachi interrupted him again, taking a step back as another figure stepped into the room. "If you don't wish for a humiliating repeat of your defeat, rest for now."

With that, he turned away and acknowledged the woman who walked up beside him.

"I trust you can care for him, Konan-san."

"I can promise no such thing," she replied, sparing Sasuke a look from the corner of her eye. "As I told you before, I have no formal medical training."

"I would prefer you over the others, nonetheless."

"As you wish," Konan said simply.

Itachi nodded and stepped out of the room and Sasuke stopped squirming long enough to assess the woman standing at his bedside. She was tall, pale, and willowy, bearing a regal air that was at odds with the silver stud below her lower lip. Despite that, she was beautiful in a stark, unearthly way and he stared at her how a sick man would at a lovely view outside a hospital window.

She stared back just as openly, but in a way that made him feel like a pile of biohazardous waste.

He watched warily as she set down a plastic bag and rolled up her sleeves. Then she sat down at the edge of the bed and leaned over him. Sasuke sucked in a sharp breath and tensed, fingers curling into fists on the bedspread as she slipped a pair of scissors over the hem of his shirt and carefully snipped through it.

The shirt was discarded and Sasuke let his head drop resignedly against the pillow, awaiting the warm pulse of healing chakra and an opportunity to seethe over his predicament. But then she spoke again.

"Sasuke, was it?"

He looked up and found himself staring at her wrist as it hovered inches above his face.

"Open your mouth," she ordered.

"...what?"

Sasuke blinked when something—it almost looked like layers of paper—emerged from her skin and encased the flesh around her pulse point.

Konan unscrewed the cap from a brown bottle and held it in her free hand.

"Open your mouth," she repeated.

Sasuke stared at her, obstinately sealing his lips like a child refusing to take his medicine. The implications of what she was about to do flitted around at the edges of his mind, but she couldn't possibly be thinking of doing something so _primitive—_

His incredulous look went unnoticed by her and she slowly raised her head to look at him through hooded eyes.

"Have it your way."

And it was in that moment of agony, when Konan unceremoniously upended the entire bottle of hydrogen peroxide over his open wounds and Sasuke instinctively bit her wrist as hard as he could that he realized, right before fainting, that his heart gave a heavy, unnerving thump where her hand settled against his chest.

He came to twenty minutes later, and it was to the sensation of something cold and wet dropping onto his forehead.

"You're feverish," the blurry figure stated. "Itachi-san says you have the flu."

He regained enough of his senses to muster indignation. "I'm getting over it."

"You're delirious."

"I am not," he muttered, following the movement of her hand with his eyes as she replaced the wet rag. His head throbbed and his tongue felt thick, but the woman's hand was wonderfully cold against his blazing hot face. He found himself comparing her professional, dignified manner to the lecherous manhandling of Karin and found yet another reason to hate Itachi. Then he thought back to the pleasant exchange he'd witnessed between them earlier and wondered if she and Itachi were...

Sasuke didn't complete the thought, annoyed with himself for even thinking of something so stupid and inappropriate. But that still didn't stop him from petulantly jerking his head away from her touch.

"Insolent child," the woman said, sounding bored.

In the delirium fogging his brain, the comment struck him as horribly offensive.

"I'm not a child."

She made a soft noise that sounded somewhere between amusement and contempt and reached out to change the cloth again. "You behave like one. It's a shameful thing when someone your age exhibits the type of behaviour that warrants a spanking."

Irritated, he flung his head away from her hand, snarling something rude and extremely stupid if her subsequent grip on his jaw was any indication.

Her fingers pressed tightly into his flesh and she forced him to look at her. He did, taking in her frosty gaze and the movement of her glossed lips.

"Do not cross me," she said softly.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes half-heartedly in the attempt to distract her from his accelerating pulse. With the combined chill of her eyes and fingertips digging into his too-hot skin, he honestly felt no desire to.

* * *

"How is he?"

"Unconscious. He will be in pain when he wakes up." Konan blew on her nails and eyed them critically. "I have no patience for stubborn children, Itachi-san. I sent for medication to keep him docile."

"Sasuke never took well to medication. His behaviour is liable to change."

"You sound overly concerned."

Itachi made no comment and instead turned away to gaze out the window.

"Who did you send?" he asked at last.

Konan only cleared her throat and chose not to answer.

* * *

"So you're the pussy who needs the painkillers, huh?"

Sasuke opened his eyes blearily to the sensation of someone flicking him none-too-gently in the forehead. He squeezed them shut again when a stinging throbbing filled his chest. It felt as though his skin was still bubbling under the flood of peroxide.

"Fucked you up good, didn't she? Did the same to me when Kakuzu stuck me with a blunt meat skewer. Now _that_ hurt, seriously."

Resisting the urge to throw up, Sasuke raised his head slightly and came face to face with a fair haired man grinning and rattling a bottle of pills at him.

"A little something to help with the pain, kid. Personally I think a little pain'll do you good, but Konan thinks you'll be an annoying little shit if we don't dope you up. Name's Hidan, by the way."

Sasuke stared groggily after him as Hidan straightened and turned towards the bedside table. He popped the lids off three different bottles and tossed several tablets into a mortar, proceeding to crush the blend into a fine powder.

"I don't want it," Sasuke rasped. "Get out."

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan said, tipping the powder into a glass of water. "Doctor's orders."

A quick mix yielded a glass of semi-transparent, milky water.

"There you go," Hidan said brusquely, shoving the glass towards him. "One shot and you won't be able to tell your head from your ass."

When Sasuke made no move to open his mouth, Hidan grabbed him by the back of the head and forced the drink down his throat, paying no attention to his flailing limbs as some of the liquid went down the wrong pipe.

"Should kick in in about twenty minutes," Hidan said casually as he pulled back and tossed the empty glass over his shoulder. It shattered against the wall as Sasuke coughed violently and Hidan plopped himself down on a chair next to the bed.

"Don't think I'm enjoying this. It's not in my job description but I'm supposed to keep an eye on you to make sure that shit doesn't kill you. I'm outta here once you make it past thirty minutes."

With that, the room fell into silence save for the gentle clicks of Hidan's rosary and the occasional cough from Sasuke.

It took no longer than ten minutes for the room to begin dissolving around him. His pupils dilated and a profound sense of peace and drowsy giddiness swept over him, easing away the pain and anger. A weird, wan little smile crossed his face when the throbbing of his wounds faded into a tickle and the rock hard bed beneath him took on the consistency of clouds.

Hidan raised his head when Sasuke mumbled.

"Where's the woman?"

"Hell if I know. Why?"

Sasuke blinked slowly to himself and wondered how to answer. His brain couldn't keep up with his mouth and he simply let his lips articulate the thoughts floating at the foremost part of his mind.

"Is she married?"

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "What the hell?"

"She was wearing a ring," Sasuke clarified, recalling the cool metal pressing into his cheek.

"We all have rings, you retard. Jeez, can't believe the meds already kicked in..."

"Is she Itachi's..." he worked the word around in his mouth before mumbling it distastefully. "...girlfriend?"

This time, Hidan didn't even respond. He collapsed in a fit of hysterical laughter.

Sasuke waited impatiently, glaring over at him as Hidan sat back up in his chair, holding his stomach and shaking with mirth.

"Answer me," Sasuke demanded.

"Like hell she is. Why do you care anyway? You interested or something?"

Sasuke said nothing and Hidan abruptly stopped laughing, an incredulous grin wavering on his face as the embarrassed Uchiha felt an intense heat creep into his cheeks.

"Kid, have your balls even dropped yet? She's twice your fucking age."

Sasuke tried vainly to think of a counter-argument, a small, coherent part of him wondering why he was even having this conversation in the first place. But then he pictured himself ten years down the road, with Itachi's head in a bottle of formaldehyde on his mantelpiece and ten blue-haired Uchiha children running around their lovely, tall, dignified mother.

"I'm going to marry her," he decided.

"You're completely fucked," Hidan said to him in a matter-of-fact way. "Should've lessened the dose, seriously."

An intensely thoughtful look overcame Sasuke's face. "How do I woo her?"

Hidan glanced at the clock. He had ten more minutes, and deciding he might as well make them fun, he cleared his throat and smiled encouragingly.

"That's obvious. You write her a poem or something. Women love that sort of crap."

Sasuke's brow furrowed at this.

"It's easy, seriously. Compare her to something shiny. Say something about crossing the ocean. Tell her you'll kill yourself if she doesn't say yes. That sort of thing."

Sasuke nodded slowly, his drug-fogged brain latching onto the suggestions. "That's helpful."

"Better make your move before your brother does. I've seen him giving her the eye."

"I'm going to kill him soon, anyway," Sasuke said offhandedly.

"Hey, want me to call her in right now?" Hidan said, grinning hugely. "You got your poem written down in your head, right?"

Sasuke nodded even though he didn't, but had a feeling it would just come to him at the sight of her. He briefly wondered if he was rushing this, but then again he had decided years ago that the restoration of his clan would begin immediately after he killed Itachi. Best to get engaged beforehand to save on time and effort, right?

Sasuke watched Hidan walk out of the room laughing his head off, wondering how someone so friendly and helpful could possibly be bad. He would have to thank him during the wedding reception.

A few minutes later, Konan entered the room, completely oblivious to the way Sasuke's stomach doubled into knots at the sight of her. He felt as though he was standing outside of himself, objectively aware that he was being completely absurd and likening the fluttery sensation in his stomach to wanting to vomit.

He felt hot, sweaty, anxious, uncomfortable, lovesick, stupid, and full of delirious confidence. In that moment, it felt as though all the awkward emotions he'd suppressed during his teenage years had joined forces and were all coming to simultaneously bite him in the ass.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, counting to ten in his head and raising dark, earnest eyes to meet hers.

Konan stared at him blankly. "What do you want?"

"I need to ask you something," he said, his voice hardly recognizable to his own ears. It sounded like he was having an asthma attack. "I've been thinking about how to tell you for the past two days."

Konan narrowed her eyes in bewilderment. "You only arrived here three hours ago."

Sasuke subconsciously decided to ignore that.

"Itachi is not the right man for you," he said.

Konan gave him a long, meditative look before slowly walking over to his bedside and peering at the assortment of bottled narcotics on the table.

"Just how much did Hidan give you?" she asked critically.

"Konan-san."

She looked at him in surprise when he beckoned for her to sit next to him.

Konan glanced towards the door before slowly lowering herself to the chair and folding her hands in her lap.

"Like I said, I've been thinking about this for a long time," Sasuke said with difficulty. "You possess all the qualities I look for in a potential wife. You don't talk too much...you're strong...and you have hips suited to childbirth."

Konan stared at him, appalled.

"Before you give your answer, I'm going to recite a poem," he continued, his confidence growing. "Please listen."

Sasuke cleared his throat and closed his eyes, brow furrowing as he tried to recite it from memory.

"You remind me of shiny things. Like money. And the metal stuff that comes out of broken thermometers. Both are very pretty.

There are no oceans between here and Konoha, but there's a river. We could swim, or we could walk. But walking is more practical.

I have a big house. There are a lot of empty rooms and a backyard for the kids. We can have ten. You can name them all.

I'm not a romantic, but I'll love and honour you. When you die, I'll put your portrait next to Itachi's head on the mantelpiece. I'll dust it every day."

There was an awkward moment of silence.

Sasuke opened his eyes and looked at her, then suddenly remembered what Hidan had advised him to do in case she didn't immediately accept his proposal.

"And I'll kill myself if you say no," he added.

For the first time in a long time, Konan found herself completely speechless. Before she could bring herself to say no, a rustle of fabric sounded from somewhere in the room.

"I told you he didn't take well to medication," a voice said flatly from behind her.

Konan turned and Sasuke scowled at the sight of Itachi stepping out of the shadows and into the light. His expression was blank, but the corners of his lips were twitching.

"Get out," Sasuke said heatedly, face flushing. "This is supposed to be private."

Konan gave Itachi a deeply questioning look and he shrugged his shoulders slightly. "His delusions were just as bad when he was a child. Just tell him what he wants to hear and let him sleep it off. He'll remember nothing when he wakes up, and when he does, he will be far from here."

"You're certain?" she asked doubtfully.

Itachi smiled thinly. "I am his brother."

"Get out!" Sasuke repeated angrily.

"All right," Itachi said calmly, the corners of his lips twitching once more before he turned and left. They waited until the door swung closed behind him. Then Konan lowered her gaze back to the younger Uchiha.

She found herself relaxing considerably when she realized how completely out of it he was. He was blinking sluggishly and his pupils had dilated to the extent of nearly swallowing his irises. Sweat was beading on his forehead, a sign that his fever was finally breaking, and his waning colour told her he was about to knock out any second.

Her expression cleared. "Yes."

"Yes?" Sasuke echoed.

"Yes," she repeated, stone-faced. "I will marry you. Now sleep."

He looked relieved. "The wedding will have to wait until after I kill Itachi."

"Understood. Go to sleep."

He said nothing after that, but blinked up at her with bleary expectation.

"What?" Konan said stiffly.

There was a shift of movement on the bedspread and Konan lowered her eyes to see him turning his hand up towards her. Resisting the urge to sigh, she obliged him and slipped her hand into his. A minute later, he was soundly asleep, and when he woke up again, two days later, it was to the bewildering sight of the forest canopy overhead and the presence of a crumpled origami flower in his hand.


	16. The Akatsuki and Side Projects

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Various Akatsuki members

Prompt: This one was taken from the "Three Times" meme at the Naruto Meme community on Livejournal. The prompt is exactly as follows:

_Three times the Akatsuki have turned to various side-projects to support their criminal lifestyle._

_

* * *

_

**1.** "If you don't mind," Deidara said through gritted teeth, trying to resist exploding the room and everything in it, "could you hold still for _just_ one minute?"

The large, buxom woman reclining on the chaise spared him a look of utter disdain. "I'm paying you five hundred thousand ryou just to sit there and paint, but since that clearly isn't enough to spare me your whining..."

She reached into her cleavage and flung a crumpled ball of money at him. It bounced off Deidara's forehead.

"Consider that an added tip," she said snidely.

The paintbrush snapped in his hand but he somehow fought back the urge to annihilate the woman right then and there. Instead, he withdrew another brush to finish painting the picture.

An hour later, he was done, and though painting was not exactly his forte in the realm of visual art, he thought it was a decent and accurate representation.

Unfortunately, his client didn't think so.

She swelled up like a bullfrog and pointed indignantly at the picture. "_What_ is the meaning of that?"

"What?" Deidara said, feigning polite puzzlement. "Your double chin?"

"You call yourself a painter? This is atrocious!"

"Yeah, well, I'd sculpt you, but I'd run out of clay halfway, un."

"You charlatan! You hack! My buttocks aren't that big! You purposely made it look that way—"

Deidara finally lost his temper. "If you had a single working cell in your head, you'd see it's not me, but your _fat ass that makes your ass look fat_!"

Pain and Konan looked up from their game of chess when they heard an enraged scream from the room next door, followed by the sound of something crashing and someone stomping out the back door.

A moment later, Deidara emerged from the room with the canvas broken over his head and paint dripping down his cloak. He wordlessly tossed the cash onto the table and strode past, muttering.

"If you need me, I'll be in the shower, un."

* * *

**2.** "Of all the medical professions," Kakuzu explained to the rest of Akatsuki during their biweekly staff meetings, "heart surgeons make the most money. I forged a degree and I'm on-call starting tomorrow."

Tobi's hand shot up into the air.

Kakuzu looked at him wearily. "What, Tobi?"

"But Kakuzu-san, don't you need to go to medical school to do that sort of thing?"

"Like hell," Hidan snorted from his spot by the fireplace. "Kakuzu's an asshole but he knows his shit. Put me back together enough times."

"And he has personal experience in transplanting hearts," Pain added, nodding in approval. "This will work well."

_24 hours later._

The electrocardiograph beeped slowly and incessantly in the background as Kakuzu stood over the surgery table in his blue scrubs and plastic gloves. He stared blankly at the sawed-open ribcage and the pulsating red mass in the centre of the patient's chest.

"Doctor?" the nurse said nervously. "Would you like to begin with the blockage?"

Kakuzu wordlessly took the scalpel she handed him, then slowly lowered it towards the beating heart.

A single incision later, the nurse screamed when a spurt of blood hit the Falls nin in the eye and he stumbled back holding the no-longer-beating heart in his right hand.

"Oh my God!" cried the anaesthesiologist.

"Holy shit!" yelped the perfusionist.

"_Shut up_!" Kakuzu roared, and killed everyone in the room.

Two hours later, Kisame opened the door to the hideout, his pocky stick falling out of his mouth when a blood-soaked Kakuzu shoved a tray of stolen surgical tools into his arms and trudged past him.

"We can hawk the tools," he said gruffly. "If you need me, I'll be in the shower."

* * *

**3.** "This is honestly the worst idea we've ever had," Kisame said thoughtfully as Konan helped Itachi into his boots.

"We'll do what we have to while money's tight," Kakuzu said, peering out the changing room door. "Itachi, two minutes."

The Uchiha said nothing and merely continued getting dressed, blank-faced and holding out an arm for Hidan to yank a glove over and a leg for Konan to strap a holster to.

Deidara was sitting in the corner of the room, unsure whether to be repulsed, sympathetic or gleeful over Itachi's predicament, so he settled for an expression somewhere between a grin and a constipated grimace.

Sasori pinched some of the pants' fabric between his fingers and tugged experimentally. "It's too tight," he informed them flatly. "He will have trouble moving his limbs."

"It's all right," Pain said with a wave of his hand. "He won't be wearing it for long, anyway."

At long last, Itachi was ready. He slowly turned to face them, legs taut and rigid in his red leather pants and shoulders constricted in a tight-fitting leather vest. Black glittering stars embellished the ensemble and a garish red bandana was tied around his neck. For the finishing touch, Zetsu came forward and placed the black felt cowboy hat on his head.

The rest of them stared at him.

Itachi stared back.

Then, solemnly, Pain raised his hand in a salute and the others followed. "We appreciate your sacrifice."

Itachi merely nodded and began waddling in an ungainly manner towards the Chippendale's stage.

"Is there anything else you need, Itachi?" Konan asked concernedly.

Itachi stopped at the door and sighed. "Yes."

He pushed the door open and emerged to a horde of screaming women. "Keep the bathroom vacant. I will need a shower after this."


	17. Temari, Itachi and Commonalities

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Note: AU—you'll know it when you see it.

Characters: Itachi, Temari

Prompt: Commonalities

* * *

Since the first meeting, they'd both taken part in an unspoken agreement to mind their own business.

Though Konoha and Suna were allies now, Temari didn't blame Itachi for being wary of her. His entire existence had been a lie wrapped within another lie, so she found herself slightly mistrustful herself when she'd first laid eyes on him in the waiting room.

She had to admit, she was surprised to see it was Sasuke in the psyche office instead of his brother, considering how the latter had slaughtered his entire family and all. But, for someone who'd committed mass murder, he looked remarkably well-adjusted.

Walking through the oak-panelled door with Gaara by her side, Temari paused short of the reception at the sight of him sitting in his usual seat. She vaguely realized this was their third time seeing each other.

Her gaze lingered on him for only a moment before she continued towards the receptionist and handed her an appointment form.

"He's here for Dr. Nami and Dr. Ketsuo," she said in an undertone, well aware of Gaara's discomfort as he hovered near her shoulder. "One o'clock."

The receptionist nodded. "He can go in. Dr. Nami is ready for him."

Temari nodded and moved away, giving Gaara an encouraging pat on the back. He gave her the closest thing he could to a doleful look and slowly started his way down the hall for room 101.

With that, Temari headed for her seat with brisk strides and sat down.

Itachi remained motionless, statuesque save for those moments where he flipped the page of his magazine. He didn't look at her.

Temari laid her head against the backrest and pursed her lips.

Gaara had recovered remarkably in the short time he'd been Kazekage, but remnants of his nightmare life with Shukaku were slowly creeping back in. He was having difficulty adjusting to the idea of sleep, the lack of which was leaving him paranoid and jumpy. In the few hours he did manage to scrounge up in the night, he woke up screaming with the furniture and windows shattering under the crush of sand.

Suna medic nins attributed it to stress and referred him to the only shinobi child psychiatrists that existed in a five hundred kilometre radius: a tiny, corner office located at the border of Amegakure.

This was his third appointment. All things considered, it was going pretty well.

Temari dropped her gaze to the dark-haired man sitting across the room, her fingers drumming against her knee.

She didn't know how long the Uchiha had been bringing his younger brother in, but in the end it didn't really matter. They hadn't exchanged a single word of greeting over the last three appointments.

She couldn't blame him. The entire situation was extremely delicate, not to mention private, and she dreaded the idea of invariably ending on the topic of Sasuke and Gaara's mental conditions. It was a taboo subject for her as much as it must have been for him.

Across from her, Itachi flipped another page.

Temari's eyes narrowed.

It was bad enough she had to sit there for two hours without someone to talk to, but even more so when there was someone sitting right in front of her. She rose to her feet and decided to take a stroll around the building.

It took all of five minutes before she'd made two laps around the place and found herself facing the same stairwell again. Rolling her eyes, she leisurely made her way back to the office, stopping long enough to get herself a bag of crackers from a vending machine.

When she walked back into the office, she found him still sitting there, eyes trained on his magazine.

Her upper lip curled into a sneer.

Without really thinking, she strode over to his side and casually dropped into the chair beside him. She earned a side glance as the movement jarred his seat, but his gaze returned to his magazine soon after.

Now that she was sitting next to him, she could see he was only a couple of years older than her. For such a lean, inconspicuous guy, she found it difficult to believe he was the infamous prodigy he was reputed to be. But then she remembered he'd been in Akatsuki, and was probably one of the few who'd extracted the Ichibi.

Then she kind of wanted to punch him in the face.

But bygones were bygones and it had all been part and parcel of an elaborate spy mission, so she couldn't really fault him. She figured he probably felt pretty shitty about it, anyway.

Temari eyed him for a moment, chewing her saltine crackers thoughtfully. Up close, he didn't seem standoffish as much as just demure and quiet. He was the sort of guy who minded his own business, the sort who made absolutely no show of his prowess and sat there as humble and harmless as a civilian.

A nice contrast to his brother, Temari thought wryly.

She dropped her gaze to his reading material.

It was a home and garden magazine.

Stifling a snort, Temari sat in silence for a minute more before she looked at him and held out the bag.

"Want one?"

Itachi lowered the magazine and glanced at the proffered bag. His gaze flitted to hers and Temari was mildly surprised by the weary look in his eyes.

"No, thank you."

Well, that was it. He'd killed the conversation with three words. Harsh, even if he was perfectly polite about it.

Temari popped another cracker into her mouth and looked out the window. She didn't feel like being agreeable today.

"It's raining," she commented.

Itachi lowered his magazine and looked at her.

In the village of Amegakure, the comment was about as trite as saying "I'm breathing."

"Yes," he said eventually. "It is."

Temari winced at the awkwardness. Then they looked at each other. After a moment, she extended a hand.

"I'm Temari."

He lowered his eyes to her hand before slowly reaching out to grip it.

_He has daintier fingers than me_, Temari noticed with slight annoyance.

"I know," he said in return. "Sasuke told me. You are the Kazekage's sister."

"And you're Uchiha Itachi," she replied. _I know that because you slaughtered your family. _

She didn't say that, of course, but they both knew she was thinking it. Seeking to dispel his discomfort, she smiled slightly. "Gaara told me you're Sasuke's brother."

He didn't fall for it, obviously, but looked slightly more at ease at the sight of her smile.

They fell into silence again. Temari crammed another cracker into her mouth to stem the embarrassment of another failed conversation. She tried again.

"Kind of weird how we're always here at the same time."

"Our appointments coincide," Itachi agreed, focused on his magazine. "Dr. Nami and Dr. Ketsuo work in rotations."

Dr. Nami handled the hypnosis therapy one day and Dr. Ketsuo the cognitive behavioural therapy another day. The boys spent an hour in each office. Then the doors would open at the same time and Gaara and Sasuke would emerge, exchanging unreadable looks when they met in the hallway and passed each other.

Then Sasuke would disappear into the office Gaara had just emerged from and vice versa, and another long hour would drag by.

Temari looked at his downcast eyes and frowned.

_The bastard has prettier lashes than me, too._

"It's a far way to travel for both of us," she added.

He made a sound of affirmation and she flinched when she saw the magazine droop in his hands and his gaze turn distant. Like her, he was trying to distract himself and not dwell on his brother's condition, and like she'd anticipated, the topic had invariably steered to the heart of the matter.

Temari blew a gusty sigh and sank back into her seat. She hadn't made herself feel better, and she most likely had made him feel worse. She settled for summarizing both their feelings in a low mutter.

"Being the oldest sucks."

He didn't say anything. But glancing askance at him, Temari could have sworn she saw a small, wistful smile.

* * *

When they met again, he was reading an article on menopause.

Temari stopped by his side and held out a paper cup full of fruit punch. He lowered the magazine and stared at it before looking questioningly up at her.

"It's not poisoned," she said, amused.

"Ah," Itachi said apologetically, taking it from her, "old habits."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "If it makes you feel any better..."

She reached out and took the paper cup back from his hands, taking a gulp of the fruit punch. Then she gave him a pointed look to show that she'd swallowed it before handing it back to him.

If he was surprised, he didn't show it. Instead, he said nothing and placed the cup on the side table. Temari sat down and watched him lazily, determined to find a topic that wouldn't lead back to their brothers.

"Do you wear mascara?"

Itachi slowly raised his head. Looking at her, he realized she was half-joking, and she shrugged at the expression on his face. "You have really nice eyelashes."

"Temari-san," he said finally, straightening in his seat. "Is there something you want?"

"Yes," she replied flatly. "Conversation."

"It feels rather one-sided, don't you think?"

"If you actually participated, that wouldn't be the case, would it?"

His lips twitched. "You're asking all the questions."

She waved a hand flippantly. "Hey, if you want to switch places, I'm all for it."

She was annoyed. He lowered his gaze with a sigh. She was worried, too. They both were. He could see what she was trying to do and appreciated the gesture, even if he wanted no part of it.

"I apologize," he said eventually. When she looked at him, he was gazing sightlessly at the wall ahead of him. "It's...difficult."

Her expression didn't change, but her eyes softened slightly. "I know."

She turned her head and looked out into the pouring rain outside the window. "I'm just trying to forget about it...at least for a little while."

They fell silent.

When Itachi spoke, his voice was almost lost in the thrum of raindrops striking the window.

"I suppose it's all right..." he murmured, voice mellow, "if it's just for a little while..."

Temari raised an eyebrow. When he held her gaze and said nothing, she took it as an incentive to follow up on the tacit invitation.

"Know any dirty jokes?"

Itachi stared at her. He supposed that, due to his stuffy upbringing and background, she expected the question to leave him flustered and embarrassed. It was obvious in the smug gleam of her eye and her affected movements as she drew her paper cup to her lips.

He idly tapped his fingers together and looked away.

"Actually..."

* * *

Sasuke and Gaara emerged from the rooms twenty minutes later, meeting each other in the hall with stares that bespoke a grim sort of empathy. Then they turned and stepped towards the waiting room, only to still at the sight in front of them.

Itachi was already standing, waiting with his usual, placid expression, but there was a telltale twitch in the corners of his mouth. Behind him, Temari sat trying and failing to control her grin, hiding her mouth in the back of her hand.

Something that looked suspiciously like a juice stain splattered the floor in front of her.

Sasuke and Gaara exchanged glances, eyebrows raised.

* * *

Five appointments later, he stopped picking up the magazines.

Temari found him waiting for her, his hands folded in his lap and eyes inviting as he nodded his head in greeting. Gaara vanished into the office and Temari sank heavily into the chair next to him.

"I'm stressed out," she groaned.

His voice was empathetic. "I thought it too soon for them to practice deep probe hypnosis. It's risky."

"It won't get ugly, will it?"

"We'll see."

Temari sighed, burying her face in her hands. She was too preoccupied with her worries to realize she was breaking their rule.

"Gaara's so out of it when it happens. He's so helpless."

Itachi was silent for a long moment. Then Temari opened her eyes at the feel of his fingers settling against her shoulder.

"That's why we wait," he murmured. "To shake them from their nightmares."

Temari wanted to kick herself for actually getting a lump in her throat, but she settled for resting her hand over his and laughing softly.

"You are such a freakin' sap, Uchiha."

Then a strangled yell broke the silence. Itachi met Temari's wide-eyed gaze for a moment before they instantly jumped to their feet and ran for the two adjacent offices.

Itachi whipped it open, finding Dr. Nami cowering under her desk as sand splintered and shattered the surrounding furniture. Gaara was standing in the middle of the room, dripping in sand and holding the side of his head, eyes squeezed shut.

It had been Itachi's first instinct to rush to the other room when he found the Kazekage standing there, trapped in a nightmare he couldn't escape from. But there was no guarantee the doctor would survive the brunt of the sand's violence in the time it took Temari to reach the room.

Stepping closer, Itachi held his hands up in a pacifying gesture.

"Gaara," he said calmly.

The Kazekage whipped his head towards him, eyes clouded with rage and fear. It was the same look he saw in Sasuke's eyes.

Itachi took another step towards him, black irises swirling red with his Sharingan.

Their eyes met. An instant later, a drowsy, serene look washed over Gaara's features and his arms fell limply by his sides.

"Sleep," Itachi ordered.

Gaara collapsed to the floor in an unconscious heap.

Releasing a sigh, Itachi deactivated his Sharingan and strode over to the limp boy, bending down to grab him under the arms and pull him into the armchair. Gaara sank into it, his head drooping over his shoulder. He was out cold.

In the other room, a window crashed as Sasuke hurled a chair through it, random spots of carpet and furniture catching fire from his Katon. Dr. Ketsuo had long since jumped out the window and Sasuke staggered aimlessly around the room, oblivious to the figure who'd appeared in the doorway.

Temari gaped, about to consider doubling back to the other room when she saw the teenager forming a seal that would undoubtedly reduce the building to a smoking hole in the ground.

Without wasting a second, Temari drew out her fan, raised it over her shoulder, and smashed it across the back of Sasuke's head.

The Uchiha dropped like a sack of potatoes.

She quickly put out the fire with a sweep of her fan and grabbed the unconscious Uchiha under the armpits, dumping him unceremoniously in the armchair.

Itachi arrived a moment later, slowing his stride when he took in the burnt, smouldering furniture and shattered window. Then his gaze dropped to his sleeping brother and he gave Temari a questioning look.

"I talked him out of it," Temari lied.

Itachi blinked, impressed. "...thank you."

"No problem," she said, easing into a guiltless grin. "Did Gaara...?"

"He's fine," Itachi assured her, checking his brother over. "He's asleep."

Temari looked at the way Itachi gently swept the bangs out of his brother's eyes and thanked the lord that duck butt hair hid the massive bump on his head.

They gathered their siblings and made their way out of the building, Gaara's arm slung around Temari's neck and Sasuke dangling over Itachi's shoulder. When they emerged outside, the rain had relented and sunlight swept the wet ground in bright, fleeting patches.

Temari raised her eyes to the dispersing clouds and squinted.

"Now what do we do?"

Itachi paused. "There is an inn not far from here. We can let them rest until they come to."

"And us?"

He looked at her, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "There is an adjoining cafe."

Gaara's eyes slowly cracked open. Dim sunlight spilled over the bed through the single window in the unfamiliar room. He sat up laboriously, blinking drowsy eyes and glancing around for his sister.

His gaze settled on the window again, eventually, and he found her sitting outside in a patio, drinking tea and talking to Uchiha Itachi. She was laughing at something he'd just said.

Brow furrowing in confusion, Gaara's gaze dropped to the bedspread and he went completely still. Uchiha Sasuke was sprawled out next to him, snoring softly into his pillow. Gaara stared down at him, bewildered.

_Of course_, he slowly realized. _I'm dreaming._

There was no possible way his sister would go for tea with Uchiha Itachi of all people and _laugh _in his company. And there was absolutely no way in _hell_ he'd just woken up next to Uchiha Sasuke.

_Right_, he slowly convinced himself, exactly the way Dr. Nami had taught him. _This is a just a strange, surreal dream. I am going to close my eyes and wake up properly in another hour._

With that, he reclined back against the bed and turned onto his side. His eyelids drifted shut and he paid no attention to Dream Sasuke draping an arm around his middle.

He had to admit, therapy was working wonders.


	18. Deidara, Hidan and Mistaken Identity

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Deidara, Hidan, Tobi and Konan

Note: This one was taken from the "Three Times" meme at the Naruto Meme community on Livejournal. The prompt is exactly as follows: _Three times the Akatsuki thought that Konan was a man._

* * *

The newest member of Akatsuki surveyed the room and pursed his lips in distaste.

On first glance, he took in a blue-skinned guy who looked remarkably like a shark, someone—or some_thing_—that had a plant attached to his body, a red-haired midget who was oiling the joints in a mostly prosthetic body, the ninety-year-old fart who was supposed to be his partner, and a sombre, dark-haired man who sat by himself in a corner.

Hidan turned and looked at the remaining blonde member, who also happened to be his tour guide.

"So this is it?"

"This is it, un."

"What a fucking freakshow. Where's the leader?"

"Oh, he doesn't show up in _person_," Tobi said, interrupting Deidara and butting into the conversation. "He only appears if something really serious is going on. In fact..."

Tobi's voice dropped into a hushed murmur.

"They say he's got red hair and a bunch of scary piercings...but I heard it's not even his real _head_."

Deidara gave him a withering look. "No, you idiot. The rumour is that it's not his real body, un."

Hidan mulled this over and looked over at the other members loitering around the den. "So where's his partner?"

Tobi gave a carefree wave of his hand. "Konan-san never appears in person, either. She only shows up as a projection during meetings."

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "She?"

"How do you know Konan's a she?" Deidara demanded, poking Tobi in the chest. "You're not even a member."

"Well, no, but—"

"It has to be a guy," Hidan snorted. "No way the leader of a criminal organization would make a girl his partner."

Deidara had to agree but Tobi tapped his chin and hummed thoughtfully. "I don't know about that."

"It's just common sense," Hidan said. "And what did you say the name was?"

"Konan."

"Yeah, _Konan_. Do you hear how that sounds? He's probably some huge, juggernaut-type motherfucker who acts as his bodyguard."

Deidara mused over how Konan didn't appear all that big during the meetings, but then just how much could you tell from a flickering, dark hologram anyway?

"You're probably right," he said decidedly. "But having a woman would at least make it bearable to live with eight men."

"Yeah, but you've lasted this long," Hidan said with a grin. "Maybe it's because you look close enough to one yourself."

"Go to hell, un."

* * *

Their next staff meeting took place a week later.

As Pain stood on his pedestal and went about assigning missions, he was honestly perturbed to see Deidara and Hidan appearing unusually focused on his partner.

Granted, they were all rather indistinct black shapes at this point, but their eyes were clearly visible and he could tell they were up to something when they repeatedly glanced in Konan's direction.

Konan, of course, said nothing and didn't react until he turned to speak to her.

"Konan, I want you to go to Wave Country and ensure our spies have taken up their positions."

As she nodded and he went on explaining the details, Pain twitched at the sound of furtive whispering going on behind his back. He ignored it, hoping his subordinates were above the need of a reprimand and that they'd cease eventually.

The whispering did stop a few seconds later, but when he finished assigning Konan's mission and turned to Itachi, Hidan suddenly spoke up.

"Uh, wait," Hidan said loudly. "I can't go to the Grass village. I've got...allergies and stuff. So how about we switch, Konan?"

Pain frowned and Konan stared at him for a moment. Then she looked at Pain. Upon hearing no objections, she turned to Hidan again and nodded.

"Very well."

Hidan and Deidara blinked and looked at each other. The voice was warped and warbled enough to bar any differentiation between whether the speaker was male or female.

Pain narrowed his eyes when they broke into whispers again.

"—sounds like a girl, un."

"—yeah, like a girl whose balls just dropped. That's a fucking dude."

"—quick, say something."

Hidan hastily turned back to her and scratched his head. "Er, could you repeat that? The reception's kinda shit over here."

"I will trade with you," Konan said.

Hidan stared at her blankly. When he opened his mouth to speak again Pain cut him off.

"Your missions have been switched and that's final," he said irritably. "Now get out. And get your hearing checked."

* * *

No one knew why it didn't occur to Hidan or Deidara to simply ask the other members to confirm Konan's sex. But then again they'd made it into a sort of guessing game and it was only appropriate that two of the youngest Akatsuki members would take up an occupation that was a complete waste of time.

But eventually the missions piled up and they forgot their objective, resigning themselves to the fact that Konan was most probably a man and therefore of no interest.

That was until Pain disappeared on some secret rendezvous (oddly around the same time Tobi did) and left Konan in charge of assigning their next string of missions.

Hidan stood on his pedestal and watched in boredom as Konan took turns explaining the mission details to each respective member. The voice was as indiscernible as ever and he gave up trying to figure it out, letting Kakuzu take care of listening to the mission details while his attention drifted elsewhere.

A smirk crossed his face when he spotted Deidara standing next to him.

"Psst, Deidara-chan."

The blonde looked at him from the corner of his eye and glared. "I told you not to call me that, un."

Hidan grinned and jerked a thumb in Konan's direction. "I give up. Let's just say it's a man and call it a day."

"Heh, fine," Deidara conceded, straightening when he saw Konan turning in his direction. "I was getting tired of guessing, anyway."

He fell silent, then, listening attentively as Konan went on explaining the final mission details to him and Sasori. The puppet master merely inclined his head in acknowledgement and Konan looked expectantly at Deidara. Eager to leave, he parted his lips to speak.

"Understood," Deidara said, "_sir_."

There was a moment of silence.

The rest of the group turned their heads to gape at the blonde, and Deidara, taken aback by the sudden rise in tension, blinked when his view of the others was suddenly obscured by someone appearing in front of him.

The person's cloak apparently had something wrong with it; the cloud pattern looked warped and bulged visibly in the front.

Then he realized he was staring at a chest. Or, more accurately, a chest with breasts. Despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, he slowly inclined his head upwards until he found himself staring into the face of a very tall, very slender, _very _feminine woman.

There was a dangerous calm about her features and she looked down at him through heavily shadowed eyes.

"What did you say?" she asked softly.

Deidara only mouthed wordlessly like a fish out of water.

Hidan burst into a fit of hysterical laughter at the same time Sasori shook his head and sighed.

Near the back, Kisame grinned and exchanged an amused glance with Zetsu. "It's always funny when that happens."


	19. Orochimaru, Sasuke, Kabuto and Birthdays

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Note: Orochimaru's lair is underground. But for some reason it has several floors and windows in this fic. I don't know how that happened. :D

Characters: Orochimaru, Sasuke, Kabuto

Prompt: Birthdays

* * *

Orochimaru loved birthdays.

That wasn't to say he made an occasion out of just anyone's birthday; it was actually just his and Sasuke's he liked celebrating.

For his part, the Uchiha had grown to expect the lavish gifts that awaited him every time his birthday rolled around. None of them actually meant anything to him, though, the reason being that Orochimaru had no idea what constituted a useful or practical present.

Instead, the sannin typically went for odd, whimsical, sometimes childish items that would better suit a ten-year-old than a vengeance-driven teenager.

On his fourteenth birthday, Sasuke had been gifted several board games and a video game console. The game that came with it was called _The Sims_. He'd tried it out a few times out of boredom, only to grow frustrated when the sim he'd deemed Itachi died of starvation before he could kill it himself. That, and the Naruto sim he'd created was just as obnoxious as the one in real life. He wound up throwing the game in the fire.

On his fifteenth birthday, Orochimaru had switched tactics and snuck the gift into Sasuke's room in the middle of the night. The Uchiha had woken at 5:30 AM to a large urine stain on his bed and the feel of a hot, wet tongue licking his face.

His startled yell had woken everyone on the third floor.

He'd kept the Pomeranian for a couple of days despite being horribly allergic, looking for a suitable home for the mutt because the sort of company Orochimaru kept was more likely to eat the dog than raise it as a pet. Sasuke might have been cold, but he wasn't heartless.

Eventually he'd found a dog shelter willing to take the thing in and that was the end of that.

By his sixteenth birthday, Sasuke had grown wary of Orochimaru's tendency for useless, annoying gifts. So it was with a fair degree of caution he made his way to the head table where he'd been summoned.

He stood looking blankly at his birthday present before glancing back at the sannin. "What do I do with this?"

Orochimaru smiled. Rather patronizingly, Sasuke noted with irritation.

"Why, Sasuke, I thought this sort of thing would come naturally to a healthy, _virile_, teenage boy."

Sasuke glanced at the quivering, scantily clad young girl again before realization dawned on him.

"No."

Orochimaru raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"Perhaps," Kabuto cut in helpfully, aiming a darkly amused look in Sasuke's direction, "she's simply not his preference, Orochimaru-sama."

"Oh?" Orochimaru pondered. "Then perhaps a brunette?"

Kabuto smiled thinly, ignoring the way Sasuke was attempting to glare two smoking holes in his head. "Hmm...something more of a stretch?"

"Something more..." Orochimaru trailed off, his eyes widening. "Oh _my_."

A positively leery grin spread over his pale face and Sasuke didn't miss the undertone of delight lacing his voice. "Sasuke, was I mistaken in assuming you'd want a _lady_ companion?"

Sasuke just scowled at him.

"In that case, there are several fine male specimens awaiting you in the—"

"Stop." Sasuke held up a hand, fighting the twitch in his eye as Kabuto smirked. "I'll take her."

Orochimaru smiled indulgently. "As you wish, my dear protégé. Enjoy."

"Hn," Sasuke muttered, before glancing at the girl over his shoulder, ignoring the way she quailed under the look. Wordlessly, he began heading off for his room, pausing by the dining hall entrance long enough to beckon to her.

She shakily moved to follow, falling into step behind him as they made their way through the winding halls and to the third floor. He led her to a door at the end of the hall, opening it and ushering her in.

At the same moment, Karin descended the steps from the fourth floor and appeared just in front of his room. He managed to catch her jaw dropping in outrage at the sight of the girl disappearing inside before he slammed the door in her face.

Once they were inside and he'd tuned out Karin's angry shouts, he slowly turned to her with a deadpan expression.

"This is not happening, obviously."

She blinked in confusion. "W-What?"

Without answering, Sasuke turned to his wardrobe and fished out a pair of his pants and a long-sleeved shirt. She reeled backwards when he threw them in her face.

"Put these on."

With that, Sasuke turned his back to her and stared at the floor. After a few seconds of shuffling fabric, she cleared her throat.

"Um...I'm done."

He glanced over his shoulder.

The shirt hung down to her thighs and the pant legs dragged on the ground. She looked ridiculous, but at least she was decent. He turned around to face her properly when she hesitantly held up her torn clothes.

"What should I...?"

"There," Sasuke said briskly, pointing to his fireplace.

She nodded and quickly disposed of the rags.

They stood looking awkwardly at each other. She tugged the ends of her long blonde hair before speaking tentatively.

"Y-You're...not going to rape me?"

Sasuke gave her an annoyed look. "No."

Her shoulders sagged in relief and she looked at him with unconcealed gratitude. "Then can I go?"

He shrugged. "It's light out. If you're seen, you'll be killed."

She deflated. "So should I wait?"

"If you want," he said indifferently.

She nodded and eventually sat down on the floor again.

There was another moment of silence.

She swallowed nervously. "By the way, my name is—"

"I don't care," he interrupted.

She cringed.

There was yet another moment of silence, this one much longer and more awkward as Sasuke just stood there staring at nothing and she gazed at the floor.

After a while, he sighed and glanced around his room. Despite his derision for Ororchimaru's past gifts, he hadn't protested when the servants had stockpiled them inside his closet. Now that he thought about it, Sasuke wondered at Orochimaru's tendency towards board games.

He could only think of three reasons to explain it; Orochimaru hoped that games would keep Sasuke's 'youthful vigour' alive; Orochimaru wanted to get on Sasuke's good side; or lastly—and most probably—Orochimaru was going senile. Sasuke decided to opt for the latter.

He glanced at the clock.

It was a couple of hours before night fell, so the girl would be stuck waiting it out in his room. Training was over for the day. He really had nothing else to do.

Sasuke found his eyes trailing over to the closet despite himself.

Truth be told, he was kind of...lonely. Not that he'd ever admit it. And he did tend to get bored between training sessions. It wouldn't be wrong if he partook in a little leisure time, would it?

Even Itachi, before he'd gone crazy and killed everyone, had taken moments of reprieve between his training and shinobi duties. If Sasuke recalled correctly, his brother had a penchant for tea houses.

Sasuke frowned. He hated tea.

In fact, when he thought about it, he didn't really have a hobby at all.

He looked at the girl again. She was idly picking at a loose thread on her shirt. He shifted imperceptibly towards the closet door.

He supposed, just for one day, it wouldn't kill him to have a little social interaction with someone. Someone normal, at least. Karin was too psychotic. Kabuto was a conniving bastard. And Orochimaru was just self-explanatory.

Mind made up, he strode into his walk-in closet. After rummaging around for a minute, he emerged with a stack of unopened board games and dropped them unceremoniously to the floor. The girl jumped at the noise, looking at him uncertainly when he took a seat across from her and gave her a blank look.

"Pick one."

She stared at him in surprise before looking down at the pile. Her fingers inched towards a deck of cards.

Sasuke swept the other games away and grabbed the deck, tearing off the wrapper. Truth be told, he hadn't played a card game since the massacre, and the only game he knew from that age was...

"Go Fish," he stated imperiously.

The girl nodded because she was too frightened and confused to do anything else and waited as he dealt the cards. They started the first game. Sasuke lost.

_Okay_, he thought.

They played a second game. Sasuke lost again.

_Fluke_, he told himself.

They played a third time.

"Do you have any sixes?" she chirped.

Sasuke looked at the six of diamonds in his hand and frowned.

"...Go fish."

* * *

Orochimaru toyed with the cherry at the bottom of his parfait glass, raising the spoon every now and then to lick the leftover cream. He looked thoughtful.

Kabuto sat attentively at the other end of the long table. A wary look lingered on his features as he took in the sannin's distracted demeanour.

"Kabuto," Orochimaru suddenly said.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"

"Today is quite a milestone for our boy Sasuke."

Kabuto stared at him, refusing to let his thoughts venture towards the mental images that statement evoked.

"Yes," he said neutrally.

"It makes me rather nostalgic."

Kabuto merely nodded. He was well-aware of Orochimaru's pensive and often odd...moods. Years of service had taught him the 'smile-and-nod' tactic was the best way to deal with it.

"I remember my first love," Orochimaru continued, putting his spoon in his mouth again.

Kabuto smiled tersely.

"Do you remember yours?" the older man asked.

The medic-nin only smiled wider and didn't answer. Orochimaru chuckled.

"Oh, don't be _coy_, Kabuto."

There was a blissful moment of silence as Orochimaru finished the remains of his dessert and pushed his glass away. He folded his hands and rested his chin on them, eyes rising towards the ceiling.

"I don't hear screaming."

Kabuto's smile froze on his face.

"Sasuke must be a gentle lover," Orochimaru mused.

The medic-nin abruptly stood up.

"Pardon me, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto said politely. "My hernia is acting up again. If I may be excused?"

Orochimaru waved him away. Kabuto hurried out of the room, leaving the sannin alone to dwell on his days of youth gone by.

* * *

Upstairs, the deck of cards lay smouldering in the fireplace. They'd switched over to a board game called Snakes and Ladders. Not something Sasuke was familiar with, but it seemed simple enough. It prompted him to wonder if he was doing something wrong when every other roll of the dice found him falling down a snake and back to the bottom row as the girl across from him got farther and farther away.

Sasuke looked at the board. She was twenty-two paces ahead of him.

She shook the dice in her hand, blowing on them for luck.

_Not eight_, he repeated inwardly, staring at the dice as though willing them to burst into flames. _Not eight_.

She rolled. The dice came to a stop.

"Eight!" she cheered, grabbing her piece and moving it to the winning square. She clapped her hands and gathered the dice as her partner stared stonily at the board.

"That was fun," she said warmly. "Wanna play again? You can go first this time."

Sasuke glared.

* * *

Kabuto splashed cold water on his face to cleanse away the inexplicably unclean feeling left over from his last conversation. Straightening over the sink, he dried his face and looked at the mirror.

His reflection frowned back at him.

Orochimaru was well aware of his derision for the Uchiha brat. The last thing he wanted to think about was the pubescent twit popping his cherry.

Fighting back a grimace, he wiped his glasses and put them back on his face the same instant Karin appeared in the doorway to the lab.

"Hey, Kabuto!"

Fighting the urge to sigh, he turned around with a forced smile. "Yes, Karin?"

"Who the hell was that bimbo Sasuke took into his room? I thought outsiders weren't allowed in the lair!"

Kabuto twitched. "That was Orochimaru's birthday gift. If it makes you feel any better, she will probably be killed after he's done with her."

"It's not fair," Karin whined. "I wanted to be his first."

That strained smile found its way onto Kabuto's face again. "Karin, if you don't mind..."

"I stood outside his door listening and couldn't hear a thing. She's probably not even doing it right—"

A lens cracked in Kabuto's glasses. "Karin—"

"Mmm, but the things _I'd_ do to him..." she sighed rapturously.

"_Karin_."

There was a sudden thunk against the wall next to her head. When she blinked and looked for the source of the noise, she found a scalpel embedded into the concrete and an inch of her hair lying on the floor. She gaped.

Kabuto's smile threatened to crack his face in half. "Get out."

* * *

Sasuke spurned the mindless idiocy of the first board game in favour for something that seemed more strategic. The military motif, especially, seemed promising.

After a long moment of consideration, he spoke, voice cold and emotionless. "A4."

She looked over her plastic ships, biting her lip. After a moment, she shook her head. "Miss."

There was a short pause as she scanned the grid.

"Umm...J10."

Sasuke remained silent. When he didn't react for another five seconds, it became clear who'd won.

She smiled tentatively.

"I sunk your—"

Sasuke threw the game across the room.

* * *

Kabuto locked the door and remained in his lab for the next three hours.

After making an example of the next idiot who'd tested his patience, he'd fixed himself a stiff drink and downed it in one shot. Then he sat at his desk, resentfully preparing Orochimaru's nightly elixir until it lay, ready and steaming, in the beaker before him.

He stared at it a moment. Then he poured a strong sedative into it out of spite.

As the colourless fluid blended seamlessly with the murky mixture, the mental image of a drunkenly rambling, strung out Orochimaru passed through his mind.

A small smile curled his lips.

Only it was genuine this time.

* * *

The room was deathly silent. The remains of various board games crackled quietly in the fireplace. Singed Monopoly money lay scattered about the floor. A Scrabble piece was embedded in Sasuke's hair.

The two sat cross-legged on the floor across from each other. A chess board rested between them, covered in assorted pieces.

The girl idly scratched her cheek as she considered her next play, wondering where to move her knight. She wasn't employing a set strategy, really. It was more fun taking a gamble with each individual move and figuring out what to do next.

Across from her, Sasuke rested his chin on his tensely laced hands. His mouth was a severe, flat line and his brows were drawn together in concentration. He was watching the board like a hawk.

"Um..." she moved her knight next to his queen. "Here."

The tension gradually seeped from his body. He moved his bishop and set it down near her king. "Checkmate."

"Oh." She blinked and smiled. "You won!"

Sasuke released a slow breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"That was a good game," she remarked, stretching her arms over her head and cracking her back. A yawn slipped past her lips and she brought her hand to her mouth, eyes suddenly growing wide.

"Oh, it's so dark outside. What time is it?"

Sasuke glanced over his shoulder at his bedside clock. He blinked, mildly surprised. "2:30 in the morning."

She gasped and leapt to her feet, squeaking when her pants fell off. Sasuke averted his eyes and pretended to pack away the games as she scrambled for the spare belt he nonchalantly pointed out in his wardrobe.

A minute later, they were standing at his open window.

"Slide down the drain pipe and go for the south wing. The guard's never awake and the back door to the kitchen leads out into the forest. It's a fifteen minute walk to the nearest village."

She nodded, smiling gratefully. "You know, I heard so many horror stories about this place and thought I was a goner when they kidnapped me...but you're not bad at all!"

Sasuke shrugged.

"Thank you for not killing me," she said, bowing. "I had a very nice time."

"Hn," Sasuke said disinterestedly.

"By the way, my name is—"

"I don't care."

She straightened and blinked at him. "You have a Scrabble piece in your hair."

Well, that was embarrassing. Sasuke's hand twitched by his side but he didn't reach up to remove it. "I know," he said aloofly.

She gave him a bemused smile. "You're weird."

Before he could reply, she was clambering out his window and onto the pipe. She aimed one last smile up at him. "Bye."

He nodded once and she slid down the length of it. Then he leaned against the windowsill and watched her as she darted across the grass in her ridiculous clothes and gave him a final wave goodbye. He raised one hand in return. Then she was gone.

After a moment, he reached up and pulled the wooden tile out of his hair, looking at it. It was a Q.

He frowned. _Goddamn letter Q_. He raised his arm to throw it into the fire, only to reconsider midway and look at it again. After a moment, he enclosed it in his fist with the intent to toss it back into the box later. Just in case.

The scattered Monopoly money and board games remained where they were. The servants could take care of it in the morning. An annoyed look passed over his face when he realized the news would reach Orochimaru that he'd actually been playing with the board games. The old pervert would be ecstatic.

But he had to admit, despite his powerful dislike for the sannin, that the man did, on the rare occasion, do some things right.

Sasuke leaned back against the windowsill and looked out into the night, idly turning the wooden tile between his fingers.

As far as birthdays went, this one hadn't been so bad after all.


	20. Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke and The Lunch

Cracks Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke

Prompt: This one was taken from an anonymous April Meme of Randomness on LJ. Super short, and prompt is exactly as follows:

_There's a cock outside your window. What are you going to do about it?_

* * *

Sakura pouted.

Sasuke and Naruto had ditched her for their lunch break again. She rubbed her sore arms and quietly crept over the hill to the clearing where they were sitting. She'd have to ask Kakashi to shift her stamina building exercises to after lunch so she'd at least get some time to spend with Sasuke.

Naruto had been hogging all his company recently, and she'd admittedly grown jealous of their candid conversations between training.

She slowed her steps slightly when their voices carried over the breeze. Unsurprisingly, Sasuke sounded annoyed.

Curious, she stopped her ascent up the hill and listened. He was muttering something she couldn't hear. Stricken with the idea that he was talking about her, she shuffled a little closer and bent close to the grass to hear better.

This time their voices carried over loud and clear.

"Admit it," Naruto said. "I beat you fair and square today."

"I told you I was tired," Sasuke said irritably. "Drop it."

Naruto laughed and took a piece of Sasuke's sandwich. "Right. Of course you'd say that." There was a pause. "But you do look tired. Is Kakashi-sensei training you at night behind my back or something?"

"No, stupid," Sasuke sighed. His voice dropped into a low mutter. "I couldn't sleep for a few days."

"Huh? Why?"

Sakura's brow furrowed and she leaned closer to pick up the hushed words that followed.

"Itachi's cock was keeping me up all night."

Her eyes bulged.

Naruto snorted in disbelief. "That's it? Why didn't you just chase him away?"

"Don't you think I tried?" Sasuke retorted. "He just kept coming back."

"Did you try scaring him?"

"I tried everything."

Naruto chuckled. "I thought that sort of thing only happened in the mornings."

Sasuke's voice grew vindictive. "That would be too easy. Of course _his_ cock had to be unnatural and torture me all night. The screaming probably woke the neighbours."

Sakura could feel cold sweat building on her forehead. She was starting to feel incredibly ill.

Naruto made a noise of wonder. "He must've been big."

Sasuke shuddered. "He was huge. I'm still sore from packing it last night." There was a pause. "I took care of it for good, by the way."

"Wait, you mean you—?"

A dark laugh floated through the clearing. "I couldn't let that damn thing get in the way of my training anymore."

Naruto gasped. "You _didn't_."

"Yeah, I did." His voice turned smug. "I managed to grab it and cut its head off."

Sakura felt her head spin. She sank into the grass with a whimper.

"Oh, gross. Did it bleed everywhere?"

"Yeah, all over my sheets. It was still twitching afterwards."

"So you just...threw it away?"

There was another dark round of laughter. "Of course not. Why would I waste food?"

"Aw, teme, that's sick."

"I don't care if it used to belong to someone. Meat is meat."

Naruto sounded uneasy. "So you, like, butchered it?"

Sasuke made a humming sound. "It took all night. He was really big, remember." He chuckled malevolently. "That'll teach his goddamn cock to be a pain in my ass."

They paused the conversation briefly when they heard what sounded like a moan of despair and someone collapsing into the dirt. After a few seconds, they shrugged it off and continued eating.

"So," Naruto said a minute later, taking a bite of the sandwich and peering inside. "Rooster? Is that what this is?"

"Yeah."

"The meat's kinda chewy."

"It was Itachi's old pet. What did you expect?"

Naruto shrugged and finished off the sandwich. "Can't complain."


	21. Hinata, Naruto and Cluelessness

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Hinata, Naruto, Sasuke

Prompt: This one was taken from the Apples to Drabbles meme on LJ. The prompt is _Clueless_.

* * *

Hinata simply didn't understand.

It wasn't as though she hadn't tried. But it seemed unfathomable to her that everything she'd done up until now had flown right over Naruto's head. Either that, or he was purposely playing dumb simply because he didn't like her back and wanted to avoid hurting her feelings.

"No," Ino denied flatly. "He really is that dumb."

Hinata made an injured noise on his behalf. Ino ignored it and pushed a bouquet of red roses across the counter.

"These are about as subtle as a brick to the face," she said. "If he doesn't get the message, you need to consider moving on, Hinata. Really."

Hinata thanked her and scurried out of the shop with the bouquet.

An hour later, she intercepted Naruto on his way to the ramen shop and shoved them into his face.

"Oh, hey Hinata," he greeted, smiling and brushing the flowers out of his face. "What's up? Who're the flowers for?"

Hinata stammered something and turned five shades of red before managing to get the words out. "T-They're...they're for you, Naruto-kun."

He blinked. "Me?"

She nodded fervently.

He looked bewildered for a moment. Then a flash of understanding came over his face and he snapped his fingers. "_Ohhh_. These are for when I was in the hospital a couple of days ago, right?"

Hinata blanched. He took them from her and grinned sheepishly. "Ah, it was stupid. Chouji challenged me to a milk-drinking contest and I got diarrhea like you wouldn't believe. They had to give me an IV and everything. They even-hey, where are you going? Hinata?"

* * *

Her situation was grievously pitiful. People she didn't even normally talk to began taking notice and giving advice.

"Naruto is a little dense," Kakashi said kindly to her when he'd bumped into her hiding behind the bookstore alley. "A normal person would have filed a restraining order on you by now."

Hinata was abashed by this, not to mention a little discouraged.

"No worries," Kakashi said, seeing the look on her face. He reached into his pocket and withdrew two movie tickets. "Gai invited me to go see this, but he overdid it with the curry and put himself in the hospital."

Hinata shyly accepted them from him. "Um, thank you. D-Do you think...?"

Kakashi rubbed his chin and nodded. "Hopefully. If a girl treats a guy to dinner and an action movie on the first date, it usually means she's a keeper."

Hinata smiled. "Okay. I-I'll try."

Naruto did not seem to understand her intentions when she walked into the middle of his training the next day and held the tickets out in front of him.

Kakashi stood by, nodding his encouragement. Sasuke also stood there and looked between the two of them—at Naruto's bemused expression and Hinata's red face. Understanding dawned on him immediately.

"Gross," he muttered.

"Are you giving these to me?" Naruto asked in surprise.

Hinata nodded meekly. "I, um, d-don't...don't normally like action movies, but I thought...maybe...if you..."

Naruto's eyes brightened and he happily swiped them from her hand. "Wow! Seriously? Thanks, Hinata! You're the best! I'm gonna go ask Sakura if she wants to see this!"

Then Naruto ran off.

There was a stunned moment of silence.

"Hmm," Kakashi said, scratching his head. "Seems I overestimated him. Sorry."

If it had been in his nature, Sasuke would have broke down crying at the absolutely devastated expression on Hinata's face. But because he'd seen this scenario play out a hundred times before and was frankly disgusted by the entire thing, he stalked over to her.

"That's it," Sasuke said to her. "I'm sick of this. Tomorrow, come out here and tell that idiot _exactly _what I'm about to tell you."

Hinata was too frightened of Naruto's friend to disagree so she merely nodded and listened.

Sasuke said four words. The four easiest, simplest words a human being could understand. A look of hope dawned on Hinata's face as she repeated them back and Sasuke nodded.

"All right," she said shakily, mustering a brave smile. "I'll try."

* * *

The next day, Hinata appeared at the training grounds minutes before Naruto and Sasuke arrived for their exercise. She hid behind her usual tree, watching them and waving back when Kakashi raised a hand in her direction.

At last, it was time.

She emerged from behind the tree, poking her fingers together. Naruto was leaning against a post, drinking from his water bottle as she approached.

As she walked up to him, she caught the eyes of the two men nearby. Kakashi smiled and flashed a thumbs up. Sasuke crossed his arms and nodded.

Hinata took a deep breath and stopped directly in front of Naruto.

He noticed her a second later and smiled. "Oh, hi Hinata! What are you doing here?"

Hinata stared at him like a deer in the headlights. She felt the impulse to turn tail and run, but the sight of Sasuke threateningly brandishing a kunai at her quickly vanquished that thought.

She would not answer Naruto's question. She would simply say what she'd been rehearsing all night. Just four. Simple. Words.

"Naruto-kun..." she began, her voice faint. She squeezed her eyes shut and blurted the rest out. "I really like you!"

Her voice rang throughout the clearing. Birds were started into flight. A still silence descended upon the grounds. Hinata felt her shoulders slacken with relief, a feeling of sheer euphoria blossoming through her.

When she opened her eyes, Naruto was staring at her, visibly startled. Then a big grin split his face and he slapped her on the back with enough force to make her stumble.

"I like you, too, Hinata-chan! Say, you wanna train with us?" he bent closer, voice dropping into a whisper. "Can you teach me some of your moves? I need a surprise attack to kick Sasuke's ass."

Hinata looked up at him in utter dismay. Then she turned around and ran.

"Well, that was painful," Kakashi remarked.

"Hinata?" Naruto called confusedly. "Hey, Hinata!"

There was no answer.

"Naruto..."

Naruto turned to see that Sasuke had walked up beside him.

"What?"

Sasuke slapped him across the face, sending him sprawling to the ground.

"You're a fucking dumbass," Sasuke said.


	22. Kisame, Itachi and Rules of Three

Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Kisame, Itachi

Prompt: This one was taken from the "three times" meme at the Naruto Meme community at Livejournal. The prompt is exactly as follows:

_Three times Kisame broke Itachi's nose._

* * *

**1.** Kisame gripped the tree root near his head, sweating bullets and grinding his teeth when Itachi ripped open his cloak and tried to staunch the bleeding.

The Mist nin had collapsed fifteen minutes after taking a hit to the stomach, falling to the forest floor outside Kusagakure as they fled the village shinobi and their barrage of poisoned weapons.

The pain between his ribs was excruciating and the burning sensation that seemed to radiate over the expanse of his chest made him realise the venom was spreading.

"Take it out," Kisame said through gritted teeth, feeling the tree root splinter in his hand as Itachi touched the hilt of the weapon. "Do it quick."

Itachi spoke after a moment's exploration of the wound, his voice grim. "It's barbed. If we remove it, we will have to return to headquarters immediately."

"I don't care," Kisame ground out, deciding he'd deal with Pain's wrath later. "Just do it."

Without preamble, the Uchiha gripped the hilt of the weapon and yanked. In the instinctive urge to double over and clutch his stomach, Kisame sat up so fast his forehead collided directly with Itachi's face.

Itachi reared back, clutching his nose, and Kisame shook away the daze before looking up at him.

"Oh," he said, realising what he'd done. "Is it broken?"

"Yes," Itachi said thickly, blood seeping through his fingers.

Kisame had the decency to look abashed. "Look, I'm—"

Itachi shook his head and stood up, swaying slightly before continuing onwards towards River Country. "I'll live."

* * *

**2.** It was no secret Itachi was going blind, but he went about handling his disability with such dignity and poise that sometimes Kisame forgot how vulnerable his partner got after a round or two of using his mangekyou sharingan.

They hadn't slept in two days and even Kisame was starting to feel his chakra reserves running low, so they decided to spend the night in a motel in Iwa.

Jinchuuriki-hunting was hard work, Kisame realised with a groan as he sank onto his lumpy mattress, especially when the pay was poor enough to only afford the most basic of amenities.

The motel was three stories tall and the elevator was broken when they got there. The only available room was on the third floor and Kisame found himself ready to collapse after climbing the three long flights of rickety stairs.

Itachi stood in the doorway, furtively rubbing his eyes before he peered down the long staircase near their room. "I will go check the perimeter."

Kisame grunted in response and closed his eyes.

There was a pause. "How many steps are there?"

"Twenty-one," Kisame mumbled.

Itachi said nothing and stepped outside, closing the door behind him. Through the cheap wooden door, he could hear Itachi slowly descending the steps.

…17, 18, 19, 20—

Then there was a stumbling noise and something that sounded suspiciously like someone face-planting into the wall. A few unsteady, heavy footfalls followed. Then they slowly climbed back up the stairs.

Kisame looked up when the door opened, wincing when Itachi walked in with his head down and his fingers pinching his nose to stem the blood flow.

He didn't even look at Kisame and headed straight for the bathroom. "There were twenty."

* * *

**3.** They didn't kill civilians as often as popular opinion held, as it was a good way of attracting unwanted attention. It was much easier just avoiding them in the first place. But when they made a short stop in a small fishing village near peaceful Wave Country, some teenage girl made a pass at Itachi and screamed "pervert!" as revenge for his polite dismissal.

Suddenly there were a bunch of fishermen chasing them with pitchforks and the two were too tired to run all the way to the next village when they had planned to spend the night there, anyway.

So they led the mob to the edge of the village, hoping with a degree of pessimism that the villagers would give up the chase. But the men were either overreacting or were just looking to beat them for a lark, because they didn't give up and followed them all the way to the outskirts.

There was only one old house left near the path leading out of the village and Itachi came to an abrupt stop when he neared it. Kisame stopped next to him, rolling his eyes at the sound of the angry mob in pursuit before looking at Itachi questioningly.

His partner stood there and seemed to be considering something. At last, Itachi turned and looked resignedly at Kisame. "Hit me."

Kisame blinked. "What?"

Itachi's voice was as toneless as ever but there was a dull sort of acceptance there that Kisame couldn't help but laugh at. "Do it."

Kisame shrugged, balled his fist, and clocked the Uchiha one in the face.

Naturally he tried to restrain himself, but it was hard to gauge his own strength and Itachi took an ungainly step backwards, wobbling and clutching his nose.

When he removed his hand, the entirety of his upper lip and chin were covered in blood. He turned towards the house. Catching on, Kisame accompanied him to the door and knocked, bringing his hand up to rest on Itachi's shoulder.

The door opened and a wrinkled old lady gasped at the sight of them.

"Sorry to disturb you," Kisame said with a grin, patting Itachi on the back. "But my friend here had a little accident. Could you perhaps spare us a tissue?"

The old woman dragged them both inside, hauling Itachi over to the kitchen chair to fuss over his face as Kisame peered through the window at the mob rushing by.

"You boys shouldn't play so rough!" she admonished. Kisame turned around in time to see her tilt Itachi's head back over the top of the chair and press a bag of crushed ice to his nose. "Now look at what's happened to this handsome young man. It would be a shame if he ruined his nose."

"A real shame," Kisame agreed, sitting across from him and grinning. "We'll try not to let it happen again."


End file.
